A life changing decision
How important is Social Anxiety – or more accurately, how important is overcoming social anxiety?
Two years ago (after a mild breakdown) I asked myself this very question. How important was this to me? I eventually concluded that it was everything. Everything else was dependant upon overcoming this condition. Now if that was not enough to motivate, then I was finished.
I knew that as long as this thing had control of me, all my other dreams, goals and my future, had to be put on hold. Nothing would materialize for me as long as SA ran the show.
I had dreams of running my own business, meeting someone special, getting married, having kids, having a circle of friends, and enjoying life. This was a pipe dream however. The reality was that none of this would ever happen, and that’s all down to SA.
So, unlike most people who strive for that perfect job, a loving partner, a house in the suburbs, and the list goes on, I knew that I would first have to overcome this horrible disease before I could even think about the more “normal” goals in life.
Beating SA would be the greatest challenge of my life, but would also deliver the greatest satisfaction if I ever managed to pull it off.
But where to start?
I began by asking myself one question. Did I have the motivation and drive to see this through? Motivation (or lack of) would determine my success (or failure). I was now mature enough to realize that anything worthwhile in this life required effort - anything. There is no free ride (although many hope for the easy way out). Was I prepared to pay the price?
It all comes down to motivation in the end. Is the prize valuable enough to provide the proper motivation to get the job done? I had made so many half-assed attempts in the past that it almost seemed as though some unseen force was steering me towards failure every time I attempted to improve my life. Step one: Shake this feeling.
Sitting at the edge of my bed in a dark room in my Mother’s house, I was at the end of my rope. A 33 year old, unemployed, suicidal loser living at home with my Mother. But that wasn’t the worst thing. The worst thing was this black, ugly cloud (a combination of anxiety, insecurity, anger, fear, depression, low self-esteem, and hopelessness) that had permeated my very being and was so entrenched that it seemed hopeless to try to fight it. I was at a crossroads and I was either going to head in one direction, or the other.
One path was easy. Do nothing and continue on the same way for the next 40 years. It required no effort or motivation whatsoever. The easy way out. I would always have suicide as the final card up my sleeve if things got really bad.
The other road required more effort and a tremendous amount of motivation. It required a complete overhaul of my life. It required a new outlook on every aspect of life in general. It would require more effort than anything I had accomplished previously – including college.
Was the prize worth fighting for? I decided it was.
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