Accepting who I am
One of the biggest challenges I’ve had to face is accepting who I am. I’ve come to realize that there are many attributes I will never have. I’m not really remarkable in any way. I have average looks, intelligence, and no exceptional talents.
I spent so many years hating everything about myself and envying others that seemed to be better looking, more likeable, more confident, etc, etc. I was never satisfied with who I was. I always considered myself sub-standard in all areas.
In fact, I have even caught myself trying to mimic certain attributes from those I admired. This failed miserably because, try as I might, I was still me, and that wasn’t going to change.
What I didn’t realize was that I was looking at these people with rose-colored glasses. I was filtering out the negative and only admiring the positive. There are not many “perfect” people in this world. We all have our positives and negatives - looks, intelligence, personality, talent – whatever.
The problem was that I would notice things about people that I admired and would feel inadequate about myself. I suppose that in my mind, I had an unrealistic picture of who I wanted *needed* to be. This picture was based upon every *perceived* positive attribute from those I felt were better than me. So you could imagine a fictional person that I was trying to mold my life after. Somehow, I needed to be everything they were – otherwise I felt inferior.
After a bit of therapy and a whole lot of self-evaluation, I realized how ridiculous these expectations were. No one can be perfect in all areas. Some have great smiles, while others have perfect bodies or winning personalities, and the list goes on. Now, yes, some have more positive traits than others, but it really does take all kinds to make the world go round, and we all contribute in our own way.
Now, I’ve come to accept the fact that there are many things that I will never have in this life - a winning smile, a confident, bubbly personality (well maybe), a great body, above average looks, or the instant admiration of others. Should I beat myself up because of this? Competing with genetics is tough. Yes, there are things that I can improve upon, but I am still me. I was born like this and I’m not likely to totally transform myself into someone more desirable – end of story, period.
All right, now that I learned to accept myself, I had two choices: I could plod through life feeling sorry for myself and detesting others that were *better?* than me. I could beat myself up because I always felt inferior and uncomfortable around those that were “superior” to me. Or, I could accept the fact that I am a unique human being with many positive attributes and much to offer people. I could learn to respect myself a little more and to live with what I was given – for better or worse.
And you know, at the end of the day, if some people regard me as weird, quiet, or boring, then that’s just too f***ing bad. If I don’t have a winning smile, rugged good looks, or a magnetic personality, then that’s just tough. I’ve wasted many years trying to please people and be someone that I’m not. I intend to smile my smile, walk my walk, and talk my talk without fear of criticism. I can’t waste anymore time trying to impress people.
Whom am I trying to impress anyway? Am I worried about what one person thinks, a group, or all of society? Ultimately, people will think what they want, regardless of what I do.
The reality is that we are all different. There will be people who like certain things about me and there will be those who don’t. I have no control over this. Society as a whole cannot be painted with the same brush. Not everyone likes or dislikes the same thing. For every person who takes an instant dislike to me, there will be one who reacts positively.
So, having said all that, I intend to be less self-conscious of myself. I know I can’t have perfection – not even close, I just want to learn to accept the way I am and improve things that can be improved.
6 Responses to “Accepting who I am”
You have the right attitude! For me, the hardest part is not just believing that I don’t care about what people think of me, but actually acting like I don’t. I just can’t seem to bridge the two.
[...] Quite often, I’m overwhelmed by the thought of starting my life over again. Starting my career again, meeting people and making new friends scares me. I don’t have the crippling anxiety anymore, but I believe that I’ll always have certain social anxiety traits. As I mentioned in an earlier post – you are who you are. [...]
I just want you to know in reading several of your writings I am deeply moved. You write so honestly. I want you to know, at the age of 56, I, too have these feelings and they never go away. The way I get along is to surge forth and work in the world for awhile and then become a recluse for awhile to ease the anxiety. I tend to think it may be a chemical problem although during all efforts and activities I deeply wish I had a mentor to suppport me and cheer me on without judgement. I truly believe all I need is a helping hand so to speak. Having none or my failure to recognize those that do support in their own way, I tend to rely on self talk and prayer. I like to think I have a guardian angel. It helps. Thank you very much for your effort in writing your stories. They have been very helpful.
This seems as good of a spot as any to thank you for your blog. Although your blog may be more personal than public, you have written something that has inspired me to continue my fight with SAD.
In fact, your blog reads as though it was written by me! Everything from your life experiences, your current age and circumstances, how you perceive the world… EVERYTHING is so close to my own experiences it’s a bit - weird.
Maybe there’s a “life-template” for developing S.A.D. or maybe it’s just the alignment of the planets, but whatever the reason, I am glad I found your blog.
Wow! Well, one thing that you are good at is WRITING. You really have a gift for putting into words many of the same emotions that I’ve felt. You seem like an intelligent, cool person — please keep up the great progress you are making in your life!
Thanks for your moving, honest self-assessment. I am a former introvert, now with sporadic extroverted tendencies and all that comes with it. I would note that you yourself are undoubtedly the object of admiration- note the above comments on your writing skills. I can imagine that if I met you, I would admire your careful, methodical, and respectful traits, and also your close listening skills. Well-trained extroverts really admire a good listener, we love an audience and know deep down inside that we often lack in that area.
Shedding the biologically determined behaviors which seem to work against you is one approach, and you also seem to have plenty of personality strenghts from which to grow the ‘new you’.
MR
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