Been there and done that
Living with social anxiety is tough. Along with the usual feeling of anxiety, insecurity, and despair, there is a constant feeling that something is wrong – something that needs to be fixed. For me, this feeling was always present. I felt as though I needed to be cured, but could not find the right method - not that there was a shortage of companies that would sell me a “quick fix.”
I was a smoker at one time. I smoked for 6 years and spent at least 4 of those years trying to quit. It should have been easy; after all, there were so many ways to quit - hypnosis, the patch, cold turkey, gradual method, and a host of books and programs, each promising to end my habit within a certain period.
I tried many methods over those four years. I bought programs, books, and even tried hypnosis. I had varying degrees of success with each, but often felt that something was missing. I was going in circles and spending money because each new method brought with it hope. There was always that glimmer of hope that this would finally be the one – that I would finally be free of cigarettes. Each failure made me more sceptical. I was going in circles, and the reality was that nothing was really working long term.
After many years of frustration, I finally found a method that worked for me. I eventually quit on my own. I was always looking for the quick and easy fix, and, as mentioned, many others would be more than happy to sell me the dream. I was able to kick the habit for good, simply because I wanted to live longer. What I failed to realize was that I couldn’t order a program or read a book and expect to be transformed without a little work.
I have always been on the lookout for the latest feel-good program for SA. It’s very similar to the quit smoking cures because there are so many ways to approach the problem. Now, I’m not just talking about programs and services that you can purchase, but all self-help methods too.
I can safely say that I have read almost everything on the subject. I think about it 24 hours a day. It is always on my mind. However, as with the smoking habit, I often felt that I was going in circles. You name it and I’ve tried it - from exposure therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, self-awareness, subconscious programming, to affirmation programming, and drugs. I have read almost every book available on social anxiety - not to mention the non-SA, self-esteem, self-worth, confidence building books and tapes.
I had varying degrees of success with each. Many times I felt that I was on the right path and that I was making a dent in this SA thing, but somehow I never got the momentum going. I would hit the ground running, but would stumble and fall, down the road. Why, I don’t know? Maybe I just didn’t know where to start.
That’s the key. You need to know where to start. Some people just need a simple tune-up while others need the works. I needed the works, but, again, I didn’t realize it at the time.
There are varying degrees of social anxiety - from a slight nervousness at parties, to being totally incapacitated in any social setting. I was so bad that I could not leave the house, or even talk to a family member without my face turning red. I could not answer the phone or even walk down the street with my anxiety going through the roof.
While many methods for combating SA are good, only I truly knew how bad my social anxiety was. Based on that, I knew that many of these methods would fail, simply because they would address only specific symptoms, or would lack the intensity needed. Imagine taking a course in public speaking (breath evenly, speak from the diaphragm, find a spot in the crowd to speak towards, etc…), when in reality, you are not able to have a conversation with even one person, one-on-one.
This was never so apparent than the time I signed up for a toastmaster’s session though my employer. It was a disaster and I was humiliated because I needed to start a hundred levels below everyone else. The usual methods like self-talk, control your breathing, stand straight, mean nothing to a person who is ready to pass out. Fear of public speaking is not necessarily the same thing as social anxiety. Shyness is not the same as full-blown panic. That was a very valuable lesson.
So there I was, sitting on my bed in my Mother’s house with really no options. It seemed that there was no one else like me. I was exceptional in the fact that I could not even start anything to help myself. I was reading about how to ride a bike – how to keep balance and how to steer, when the reality was that I was a 33 year old that would need training wheels and full body protection.
Sad, but true – I needed to start over. I needed to wipe the slate clean and start, not at 0, but at –10.
One Response to “Been there and done that”
Very insightful comments, thank you. I do not suffer from SAD, but have my own issues with similar ‘psychodynamics’. You have clearly gotten past a big, initial roadblock to therapy- denial. Your postings seem to indicate an acceptance of who you are as a ‘hard-wired’ biological being, with therapy sought for making adjustments to your basic persona to allow for less traumatic/more meaningful personal/social interactions. Today’s posting is very reminiscent of my own ‘recovery’, where I found that I could not walk before running without learning to crawl first.
I read your acceptance of who you are, and learning ready to purge the debilitating aspects of your introverted personality- love the person, hate the disease (?).
One issue I dealt with was guilt from previous ’sins’ of omission and comission.
Thanks for the inspiring note. MR
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