A comfortable rut

I was comfortable in my routine – a little too comfortable, actually. The problem was that I also felt like there was something horribly wrong with me. My brain/subconscious was completely comfortable in the rut that it had been in for years. It was a familiar rut and the brain had all the various auto-responses for any given situation – thousands. Most of them served me well, but when it came to my social anxiety problem, well, I think I was being short-changed. Something was not right – not accurate.

My thinking patterns were so established and so entrenched, that it required little effort on my part to manage day-to-day living. For each social situation, my brain had an auto-response and I lived my entire life not realizing that I was just going along for the ride.

It didn’t occur to me to question how I interpreted the world. I just took it at face value and assumed that that’s how things worked.

I’m not sure how my programming got screwed up (genetic, environmental?), but it’s not something that happened overnight. Up until a few years ago, I trusted it to make the right interpretations and decisions to get me through life. It was happy, and I was complacent.

I knew that I wanted a better life and that things were not “right”, but I failed to do anything about it. I don’t think it was lack of motivation, per say, but more the acceptance and familiarity of my skewed programming.

Trying to make a dent in this well established thought process, seemed futile. This vicious cycle of false perception, erroneous conclusions, and negativity seemed to be cycling around at an incredible speed and an incredible volume. With an overwhelming momentum, it seemed unstoppable.

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