The social anxiety cycle - parts 2, 3 and 4
My brain processed social input very fast – too fast, in fact. It did this in a very efficient and predictable manner - so quickly that I had little chance to think about it. The most efficient way to deal with what it thought was “routine” information, was to process it through the express line. It had all the information it needed from past experiences to efficiently process things with little input on my part.
The result was a very predictable daily routine. I always responded the same way to things. I had the same thoughts and reactions to each specific social encounter – day in, and day out.
One of the biggest challenges was to force myself to become more aware of how my brain interpreted the outside world. I firmly believe that it liked predictability and routine. It was the easy thing to do because once the thinking patterns and responses were in place, there was less work to do. The more it had to analyze things, the less pleasurable it would become – and the brain will always take the easiest and most efficient route.
As external input was being interpreted, there was a series of automatic thoughts that flooded my brain - nothing new here, just the same negative feelings. Depending upon the social encounter, I would feel some or all of the following:
“I’m making a fool of myself.”
“They think I’m ugly, stupid or weird.”
“They feel embarrassed for me.”
“They are all watching me, waiting for me to screw up.”
“They know I’m weak.”
“Everyone hates me and wishes I would go away.”
“Everyone is so normal, except for me.”
“There is truly something wrong with me.”
“Why are they against me?”
“Why don’t I fit in?”
“Everyone is boosting their own self-esteem by making me feel inferior”
There were feelings of anger, depression, inadequacy, fear, hopelessness, and incredible anxiety - very dark and ugly feelings, that seemed to poison my entire body and mind on a daily basis.
My automatic thoughts then transformed into automatic actions. Some of these included:
Frowning and looking scared, angry and anxious.
Not speaking to anyone
Staring at the ground
Avoiding eye contact
Speaking in a high-pitched, shaky voice
Blushing
Trembling
Incredible urge to flee the scene
Dealing with social input was a very undesirable thing. Given the choice, I would try to avoid the situation altogether. If I had no choice, then I could count a handful of auto thoughts and responses that would deal with things. My belief system, which was built on fear and insecurity, would respond as it deemed necessary.
I knew this was wrong, and that it was making things worse, but I did nothing about it. I felt compelled to let my sub-conscience run the show. I didn’t question the way in which things were handled, even when it was obviously ruining my life.
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