A tough two years
I have come a long way in the past few years. In fact, I can honestly say that I’ve become a different person entirely – which is good, because I hated the person I used to be. My only regret is that it took so long to finally start moving in the right direction. I’ve wasted a lot of good years wallowing in self-pity – prime years that I’ll never get back. That’s really a shame, but I try not to think about it. What’s done is done – I’m just glad I have the opportunity to start living a somewhat normal life.
Quite often, I’m overwhelmed by the thought of starting my life over again. Starting my career again, meeting people and making new friends scares me. I don’t have the crippling anxiety anymore, but I believe that I’ll always have certain social anxiety traits. As I mentioned in an earlier post – you are who you are.
What advice can I give a fellow SA sufferer? Well, one thing I eventually did was to get professional help. It doesn’t have to be a lifetime commitment or anything, but having a professional confirm your illness will start you on the right track. A professional will also be able to suggest certain methods of treatment, and show you techniques on how to deal with things.
My experience was that some doctors don’t fully understand social anxiety, while others are quite good. I eventually found someone who understood fully.
Although I kept my appointments for a while and attended a few group sessions, I eventually developed my own coping techniques and devised a plan that I knew would work for me. I’m not saying that I knew more than the doctor, but I did know myself better than anyone.
I spent many months working on a plan to get my life back on track. I used input and ideas from many sources, including literature I had read over the years, therapy/group sessions, cognitive therapy techniques, and, of course, a lifetime of experience. If anyone on this planet knew social anxiety intimately, it was I.
Why am I sharing this? Well, writing about my experiences allows me to organize and chronicle a massive amount of information that, up until now, was mostly in my head – with some written down on a few scrapes of paper. If anyone finds value or inspiration in the stuff that I write, then that’s an added bonus.
What I can say for certain, is that I consider myself to be cured of social anxiety. It took a massive effort, and at least a year, before I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. During this time there were many setbacks, huge ups and downs, and a tremendous amount of disappointment. I felt like giving up every day.
During the first few months of this self-imposed torture, I felt alone, and very much like a child who has not learned even the most basic skills for social survival.
To this day, I still don’t know what kept me going. Perhaps it was the fact that this was a do-or-die situation. Had I not succeeded, I would have forfeited my life and future. I would have disappeared into the background of society, and simply existed on the sidelines as that strange, quiet, fellow who no one really knew, or really cared to know – that odd fellow who’s name people could never remember…
One Response to “A tough two years”
Self imposed torture is a perfect way to describe social anxiety treatment. Systematic desensitization is the most effective process, but really scary work. Although the symptoms are torturous, what is even worse is the knowledge that what you are feeling is so unnecessary, immensly damaging, and really quite ludicrous.
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