Anti-social behavior
There is one personality trait that I’ve been fighting my entire life. I believe that this “attitude,” alone, has cost me dearly in terms of social interaction and getting the most out of life. I’ll try to describe it as accurately as possible; however it’s hard to put into exact words.
This behavior comes and goes, depending upon events in my life. It’s essentially a defense mechanism that rears its ugly head as an almost desperate reaction to negative social encounters. It is usually the only thing I have left, after having everything else (seemingly) taken from me. It sometimes lasts hours, and other times days, weeks, or even months.
It’s usually triggered by some negative encounter or experience. Cruel comments by others, a confrontation, an embarrassing incident, or having been excluded from something, will generally be enough to set off this ugly, black mood.
During this time, I am usually in my own little world. Walking around with this angry/depressed look about me, I don’t talk to anyone unless it’s to make a sarcastic comment. During this time of feeling sorry for myself, I hate the world and the people in it. I detest them for appearing normal and I hate them for being happy.
To most people, this may appear to be arrogant, anti-social behavior; the reality is that I am screaming inside to just be normal and enjoy life like everyone else – To have friends and to simply belong.
As strange as it sounds, my angry attitude is really a cry for help – a plea for people to understand and possibly feel (sorry?) for me. By being cruel towards others, I somehow feel that they might take a step back and realize their behavior is hurtful and that they should try being a little more considerate. Bizarre, I know – but it makes perfect sense at the time.
That viewpoint could not be further from the truth. Most people essentially don’t care if I feel that I’ve been hurt. If they don’t know me, they can’t understand that I’m suffering. They only see a bitter, sarcastic and insecure prick – and they are more than willing to reciprocate that attitude.
Really, the only people who understand and give me the benefit of the doubt are those closest to me. They understand that it’s not my usual behavior and that there must be something wrong. However, I’m sure that even they need an extra bit of patience and understanding to deal with my nastiness.
Those who don’t know me interpret this as angry, sarcastic, anti-social behavior – and they don’t tolerate it. Really, who can blame them? They will absolutely not feel sorry for me, and will almost always take my depressed/angry attitude negatively. People react positively to friendliness and a smile. That’s human nature - and although I thought that I didn’t have to conform to that rule, I eventually found out that it’s one of the most essential things about a civilized society
I’ve come a long way since then and I’ve realized that nothing can be achieved with this outlook on life. I’ve tested this theory many times - it’s something that I’ll write about later on.
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