Change is good
After suffering what can only be described as crushing depression and anxiety (the worst I have ever experienced), I started to see a very small improvement as each day went by. There was a small flicker of hope and optimism after nearly two months of blackness. I was still far from normal, but at least I started speaking to people and leaving my room.
That’s when I realized that I really didn’t have a lot going for me. I felt like a failure because I knew I was capable of more than this. Although that sounds negative, it was really a wakeup call. As long as I was complacent and accepted my life as it was, little would change. I would be doing the same thing years from now.
Part of me wanted to remain where I was. It was the easy way, the path of least resistance – it was the part that preferred the predictable and routine. It thrived on procrastination and enjoyed being stuck in a rut - as long as things did not change, that part of me was happy.
However, I really did want to change. I was sick of this condition. I was sick of existing in the background. I was sick of being ignored and excluded. I hated who I was and the situation I was in, but where to start? It seemed overwhelming. It would have been so much easier if I wasn’t so terrified of what consequences change might bring. I would have to force myself to take the first step because there was no way I would have done it willingly.
I decided that the absolute first thing I needed to do was to break out of my routine. Force myself to do something different, simply to get out of my comfortable rut. This comfort zone was causing great harm – more than I realized.
Much of what I did during the day was very routine and automatic – I didn’t have to think about much at all. It was as though my brain had its own routine, and it was determined to drag me along with it.
I made a decision that I would not accept this anymore, and one evening I devised a plan. I made up a routine that I would force myself to follow the next day – no matter what. I would wake up at 6am (I usually slept until 10am) and go for a walk before breakfast. I would make an effort to stay out of my room, and instead, try to help out around the house. I decided that I would go out for a meal by myself and then walk around town.
There was much about myself that I could not change yet, and this was mainly due to my social anxiety. Things like making eye contact or engaging in small talk were beyond my scope for now, but that would come with time.
The main thing was that I was intent on stretching the limits of the boundaries I had set for myself. Forcing myself to become more dynamic would completely throw off any normal routine – and this is exactly what I needed – to shake things around and stir things up. It seemed to go against every thought and feeling I had – but at the same time, it was exhilarating.
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