Self-defeating thoughts
The time spent with my psychologist and the group was worth its weight in gold. Even though I already knew much about the techniques used, it was great to be able to talk freely with others about our problems. They made me feel like part of a family.
The cognitive therapy sessions were quite good. In fact, the big difference was in doing, rather than just reading. Having a trained professional present made all the difference.
I was only able to participate for about four months. I had little money left and asking my parents for a handout when they were already providing me with free room and board, was not an option. Ironically, if I still had my job, my benefits would have covered everything.
The main thing that I took away from this was that much of my anxiety was self made. I would put a negative spin on everything and though it seemed plausible enough at the time, it was far from reality. Trouble is I had a hard time identifying exactly when, and to what extent, I was distorting the truth.
I had a very predictable (and self-defeating) reaction to many things in life. As normal people would tend to see the situation for what it was, I would instantly have unfounded, fearful, and anxious thoughts about the experience.
I don’t know if I was on the road to recovery at that point, but it certainly did give me a lot to mull over. For once in my life, I felt as though I was not just plodding through each day accepting my anxiety as a part of “normal” life. I was now able to stop, step back and acknowledge my false interpretations and resulting reactions. I wasn’t always able to catch myself in self-defeating behavior, but I was getting better at becoming more aware of my thoughts and feelings.
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