From normal to socially anxious
Social anxiety wasn’t a 24/7 problem – that would have been way too much to handle. It would turn on and off depending upon the situation. For example: it was pretty much non-existent when I was at home and around my parents or brothers.
While at home in a comfortable environment, I almost felt normal. I was relaxed and could function better. In fact, it felt as though social anxiety was not an issue at all. This was the real me. This was my real personality without the anxiety, worry, low self-esteem, second guessing, and introverted thoughts. This was the Drew that could carry on a normal conversation and not feel as though there was something wrong with him. To actually listen to someone without thinking about how I appeared to them, or what they thought of me. And, in fact, I believe others found me easy going, charming, and a joy to be around.
The problem was that only a few people in this world made me comfortable enough to expose my real personality – and, unfortunately, they had to have known me for my entire life.
Once I was away from this “safe” environment, I changed. I found that I could not concentrate on anything except how I appeared to others, and what they thought of me. I would be listening to people, but not really comprehending anything, because my thoughts were too introverted. I would be overtaken by fear and anxiety. This prevented me from interacting properly with others, and probably made me look too quiet - or maybe a little weird. In short, I was transformed from a normal, pleasant personality, to a quiet, depressed looking individual.
The transformation was so extreme that, at one point, I thought I might have had a split personality. I was like two entirely separate people. I’m sure my parents noticed how I changed when other, not so familiar, people were around. However, they knew about my social phobia, and were understanding. I suspect that they knew about my condition much earlier in life than I did.
Many times, I forced myself to bring a little of my true personality outdoors – to family gatherings, parties, and in public. I reasoned that if I could force myself to act as though I were back home, then I would get along much better with people.
It never worked out that way, however. No matter how hard I tried, my “public” personality would always present itself. It was dead quiet, anxious, fearful, and very insecure. It was automatic, beyond my control, and so much stronger than my “indoor” personality. No amount of will-power or determination could change this.
The gap from one to the other was so wide that it felt useless to even try.
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