The need for a new approach
Money became tight and I came to the realization that I couldn’t afford to keep seeing my psychologist - I started to feel a little sorry for myself. Here was the help I had been looking for, but circumstances wouldn’t allow it to continue. There was that unseen force again – working hard to ensure my failure – at least that’s how it felt at the time.
Actually, I probably could have had it paid for by some government agency that helped out financially strapped people in need of therapy. Sorry, don’t mean to sound bitter, but I didn’t think I’d be able jump through the hoops that would be necessary to see that through. I just didn’t want my situation made public as I filled out piles of application forms and sat through numerous interviews. Maybe that was a mistake – stupid pride.
While I was still attending the sessions, I made good use of my time. I learned a lot about social anxiety and about myself.
The next six months were a blur. I didn’t do much except help out around the house and work on a plan to get my life back. I was considered a bum by my family and their friends because I was totally dependant on my parents for support. They were great, but I wonder if they were getting a little tired of the situation also.
Even though I had no job, no friends, and no prospects, I never returned to the deep depression I had experienced previously. The therapy definitely helped – I just felt different – better. Hey, and all this without the assistance of drugs. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did try an SSRI class of drug for about a week. I couldn’t handle the side effects (dry mouth, etc). After reading more, I realize that I probably didn’t give it enough time to work properly.
Many therapists use a combination of drugs and cognitive techniques. As a personal preference, I chose the drug-free option. That’s not to say that this wouldn’t be the best method for others – it just wasn’t the best for me.
Although I felt better, I realized that I had to get my life together. Nothing would change from one month to the next, and time was slipping away. Besides, I was bored out of my mind. I needed to dust myself off and try again. This time, I would take a more strategic approach – I was still a full-fledged social phobic, after all. I couldn’t just go out and merge with society again (ie career, dating, socializing) because I would end up exactly where I was before. I felt that I didn’t have time to go that route again. Besides, without some new tools and a different approach, I was just setting myself up for a lot of fear, anxiety, and pain. No thanks, I already had a lifetime’s worth.
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