Social anxiety and the need for perfectionism
Taking the so called “under achievers” route worked pretty well for me - I was getting more done in a day and I felt, generally, happier. Once I was able to get over my perfectionist attitude and allow certain things to go unfinished, I was good.
I was functioning in a world of grey. A world where there was no black or white – no right or wrong – no empty or full. Very little was completed, but a lot was accomplished. This was the world of the “productive slacker.”
It was at this point that something very profound came to me. Why was I obsessed with perfection? Why did I feel that I had to complete something fully and perfectly every time? Why did I have an all-or-nothing attitude? One word: confidence. I was afraid to disappoint. I needed to be perfect because my fragile self-esteem could not handle anything other than that.
I could not be thought of as lazy, incompetent, or useless, because this sort of negativity was something that would weigh on my conscience until the task was completed properly and in full.
Still, one question remained: Was I afraid of disappointing others and having them think less of me, or was I afraid of disappointing myself and feeling like a failure?
Well, I think I was harder on myself than anyone could have possibly been. It took very little for me to feel like a loser – thus, the perfectionist habit. I was protecting myself from myself. Man, that’s deep.
I could even apply this to the core of my social phobia. I was afraid to put myself in social situations because, if anything went wrong, or I was not perceived as “perfect”, my own negative self-talk would carry on for days. Having such a demand on ones self would obviously cause much anxiety and nervousness. I went into social situations with no margin for error. A misconstrued comment, an odd facial expression, a quiet, awkward moment in the conversation, and I was finished. I was no longer perfect – “everyone thinks I’m weird and a loser – I’d better go home so I can beat myself up even more.” It was painful.
This is why every conversation had to go perfectly. It’s why every date had to go off without a hitch. It’s why I needed to have everyone like me, and it’s why I avoided many social events. I knew that, realistically, the situation would never go 100% in my favor, so with such an impossible task ahead, I often chose not to participate. If I didn’t socialize, nothing negative would happen, and I would not obsess for hours afterwards - Much less harmful to an emotionally fragile person such as myself.
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