What did I want out of life?
I eventually came to the conclusion that, although there were many people concerned about my well-being, it was ultimately my responsibility to take control of my life. No one was going to do this for me. I couldn’t just sit back and have my ideal life unfold in front of me – but wouldn’t it be great if it happened? Imagine a successful, social phobia free existence without lifting a finger!
Back to reality - Of coarse life doesn’t work like that. You, and only you, can change your life. There is only so much that coaxing, hand-holding, counseling, and encouragement will do – ultimately it is all down to you.
The fact that I suffered from this horrible condition didn’t make me special in any way. I still had to play by the same rules as everyone else – including non-SA types. The real question was: What did I want out of life??
Yes, I know, a typical textbook question, but one that would have to be addressed before I could make any headway. Such a simple question, yet so deep. Knowing what I wanted out of life was really the sum of everything human beings strive for. This question covers it all. It’s the main blueprint, the master plan.
Had I decided that living at home with my folks for the foreseeable future was my goal in life, then it would have been easy to achieve. It would have taken very little effort and would have been relatively painless (unless you consider the condemnation from my family).
If, however, I wanted my own life, then that would be somewhat more involved. And if I wanted that new life to be normal and free of SA, then that would take an extraordinary effort – not to mention no guarantee that things would work out the way I wanted.
What did I want out of life, and what was I willing to give in order to get what I wanted?
Simply put: I wanted to merge back into society. I wanted to exist happily alongside others. I wanted the confidence to be myself and have others accept me for who I was. I wanted to enjoy life without the constant fear and anxiety I felt every time I stepped out in public. I wanted to connect with people on a deeper level. I wanted a circle of close friends and, eventually, I wanted to find the love of my life. I wanted to show the world what it had been missing. I wanted to simply belong.
Not too much to ask, right?
I had to take responsibility for myself, otherwise I would die a lonely, bitter old man – never having drank from the stream of life – never having even tried.
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