My desired state

Once again, I was back at square one. I needed a starting point and some sort of plan. Anything would do for now, as long as it got me moving - I could tweak it later. The last six months had not been a total waste. I learned a lot about myself. For example, I could waste a lot of time doing nothing unless I actually forced myself into action.

I mulled over several options and I figured that I would start by writing down my desired state. This was easy: I wanted to be free of SA. Ok, that was true, but a statement like that was more of an ultimate, long-term goal, than a small short-term hope. Small was going to be the key to my success – that was obvious.

I didn’t cope well with massive problems. Feeling overwhelmed, I had a tendency to procrastinate and avoid starting anything. Small projects were ok. I could at least see the end in sight. I liked being able to operate within a small, pre-determined boundary – finishing, and then moving on.

If I thought of a large task in its entirety, I would get incredibly anxious. I’d always get caught up in the, “am I good enough” frame of mind. As a result of my poor self-esteem, I always shunned overwhelmingly large tasks, as I didn’t have the confidence to operate in that high profile, high expectation environment.

Small was good. Small was achievable. Small gave me a starting point.

Ok, so I shelved the, “Cure SA” goal – just for now. Actually, that’s not entirely true – it would always be in the background, reminding me, and keeping me on track. Instead, I choose a smaller component of that massive goal.

So, after all the therapy and self-help books, I was ready to start implementing a plan. I started with what I knew about myself and what I wanted.

I knew that I needed to ease into whatever technique I decided on. I needed to be able to concentrate and I couldn’t do that if I was freaked out with anxiety. I tried exposure before and was unsuccessful because I blindly jumped into social situations that were way out of my league. I was ill equipped to deal with this level of exposure because my programming was out of whack.

Over the next week or so, I developed a method that started so slowly that I questioned whether or not it was enough to make any change at all. Most people would look at this plan and probably laugh, since it involved only the most basic of social interactions.

I needed to learn to walk again, and to do that; I had to learn how to crawl first.

Share and Enjoy: