Preparing to go live
The day I started the “levels” approach in my battle with social anxiety, was the day I started feeling better and feeling that I just might be on the verge of a promising future – really, even at 33! Looking back now, I saw a change in my demeanor and I can honestly say that I was more exited about changing my life than I had ever been. For once, I truly believed that change was possible.
The incubation stage was a safe place. I could not harm myself here. It was a great place to experiment with things that I had never really tried before. I felt very much like a child staring at the world in awe. There was so much to do and so much to learn. I can’t remember ever being this exited about anything.
Only the most basic social interaction was allowed here. I started out with safe experiments that had a good chance of turning out positive. Although the encounters would be very low-key, they at least got me out of my parents’ house – and that was a very good thing. Once past that hurdle, I found myself interacting with the residents of the town.
The expectations were only slightly higher than the previous level - nothing too extreme, but at the same time, more challenging than I was used to. To achieve anything at all, I had to keep stretching the limits and following through with the tasks I had set for myself.
In order to succeed in the incubation stage, there were three things that I needed to do:
• I had to write down a list of experiments and follow through with real-world implementation.
• I had to monitor my progress and record anything significant.
• I had to learn from both the positive and negative feedback and tweak my approach.
How did I start? Well, I drew up a list of fairly safe experiments/encounters that I could manage without much stress. Getting the mail and saying good morning to the grumpy counter person was one. The first time I did this, he reacted with a slight surprise and gave me a grumble back. Since then I have greeted this person every morning – sometimes getting a response, and sometimes not.
The other social experiments were:
• Walking with my head up and really looking at things around me.
• Asking for directions while visiting a neighboring city.
• Having a meal, alone, in a restaurant.
• Trying to make eye contact with people.
• Attempting to engage people in small talk while in public.
• Using a public urinal.
• Talking to someone in a crowded, quiet area, such as an elevator.
• Asking questions when something was not clear.
• Complaining (legitimately) when I felt I had received poor service.
• Phoning one of my brothers or an old friend, just to say hi.
• Trying to look a little more approachable and friendly (this was hard and I will write about it in another post).
• And many more that I will write about in the coming weeks.
Things I avoided were:
• Parties.
• Any group setting (for now).
• Confrontations.
• Classrooms/boardrooms/high profile jobs - any environment in which I was expected to actively participate.
• Dating (this was hard, but I wasn’t ready yet. That was several levels above where I was).
What was I after? Well, I hoped for two things: One, I wanted to very slowly re-program my warped belief system with real-world truths – hopefully positive. Second, I wanted to gather information and data to be used in developing coping techniques that I would implement in future encounters.
The tasks were dead simple – they needed to be because, at this point, any threat of negativity or anxiety would sink the ship. I would never feel motivated to step into a perceived hostile situation. Fortunately, I hand picked every last component of the incubation stage.
Had I over-simplified things? Could I really break down human behavior and the complexities of social interaction into such a simple model?
Yes and no. I would have a fair amount of success, but also a lot of surprises and challenges.
One Response to “Preparing to go live”
I wish I didn’t recognize myself as much as I do in what you write. It should make me feel depressed but you’re such a brave and courageous person it’s impossible to let the dark clouds take over. Hope things get better for you and that you continue writing here.
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