Public anxiety
After a few weeks of experimenting in the incubation level, I felt as though nothing had changed. Yes, I had managed a few low-level exposures around town and got varying responses from people, but nothing spectacular. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it seemed as though my social phobia was still running the show - Nothing was different.
The entire plan felt so useless and stupid after a few days. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just accept facts, carry on, and stop torturing myself? After all, it takes all kinds to make the world go round - and if my destiny was to exist on the fringe of society – quiet, alone and mostly ignored by others, then so be it.
However, deep down, I knew that I had to make a change or I’d be miserable for the rest of my life. I couldn’t accept myself as I was, and until I improved things, I would always be unsatisfied and unsettled – that was a fact.
The thing is that, once I stepped outside the door, I was a different person. I was less confident, less intelligent, and less attractive - and this consumed my thoughts to the point that I couldn’t think of anything else while interacting in a social situation. In fact, I was so nervous that I couldn’t even remember names a half hour after being introduced to someone.
To put it in simple terms: I just felt bad about myself once I was in public. Although I could go through perfect scenarios in my head, things were entirely different once I took it to the street. It was as though someone turned on a switch and I was an entirely different person. Walls went up and my defences were impenetrable. My self-worth plummeted and I felt sub-human. How could I shake this feeling of worthlessness? It would take more than simple exposure, that’s for sure.
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