A trip to the mall - part 1
Something was missing. I had just spent the better part of a week contemplating my situation and still couldn’t put my finger on the reason for my failure. One thing was certain - It would take more than exposures (no matter how small) to break this cycle. I thought I was on the right track with my incubation approach – and I actually was – it’s just that I hadn’t prepared myself personally.
Well, as it turns out, I was the problem - and this revelation didn’t come to me until about a week after I had stopped the exposure experiments. Let me explain:
I’ve always had a problem walking through malls – All those people just freaked me out. I usually stared at the ground and allowed them to think I was some kind of loser – at least this is what I had convinced myself of. Never looking up and around, I allowed my own imagination to create my reality. Where did it get the info? Why, my warped belief system, that’s where!
On the day we were walking through the mall, my brother asked if everything was alright. I told him it was, but I’m sure my outward image suggested otherwise. We never talked about social anxiety because I didn’t want to appear weak. I know he always suspected there was something wrong with me because of how quiet I became in public. He may have assumed it was depression or one of the better known mental afflictions, because I doubt if social anxiety is well known among non-sufferers.
I didn’t want him to see me like that, so with all the determination I had, I forced myself to look up. Initially, I didn’t look directly at people, just any available object that was at eye level. I felt sick with anxiety and my head wanted to drop back down to its comfort zone, but I wouldn’t allow it. I was going to walk through the mall with my brother like normal people do.
It was so exhausting keeping this up, but my brother seemed to notice and I thought I detected a change in him, he seemed less worried and seemed to be in a better mood. I, on the other hand, felt like passing out.
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