A trip to the mall - part 2

I did catch the odd glimpse of people walking past me. Most seemed so happy and care-free. Smiling, laughing and just enjoying life. I envied them – no, I hated them. I don’t use the word “hate” often – and I feel so ashamed about how I used to feel about other non-SA types. Watching normal people made me feel as though there was something horribly wrong with me – something deep, ugly and incurable.

Back then, I was a totally different person than I am today. It sickens me to think about how I regarded most of the human race. However, this was a huge part of my initial problem. It created resentment and anger and segregated me from the rest of society – a society I wanted to become very much a part of.

I started to look at people very carefully that day. Some were engaged in stimulating conversations (with the odd hardy laugh thrown in) and some were simply walking alone, but had a nice peaceful look about them – an approachable look – a friendly look. These people just seemed to be so at ease with themselves – their body and facial language said, “c’mon over and lets have a chat.”

That’s when we rounded the corner and came face to face with a large full-length mirror. I was still looking up and what I saw deeply disturbed me. There I was, looking at myself in this high quality mirror, and it scared me. That person was so different than the rest of the people I had been observing – that person was so much different.

The person I had come face to face with had an expression that would have kept anyone away – I certainly would not have felt comfortable talking to anyone with that kind of a scowl on their face.

My expression was a combination of fear, anxiety, worry, depression and a little anger thrown in for good measure. There was no smile – there could never be a smile in that face. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and tell the world that this was not the real me – I was actually normal under that face – that is, until I ventured out in public.

I have obviously looked at myself thousands of times in a mirror, but this time I was taken by surprise. I didn’t have time to change my expression because we were not expecting a mirror to be right there. “Oh my god, is this really how I look in public?” “Is it any wonder people don’t give me the time of day?”

This needed to be addressed before any further experimenting could take place - But how? The only way that I could appear happy and pleasant would be to get good feedback from people. I would not be able to get good feedback unless I seemed a little more approachable and friendly -The old chicken and the egg syndrome.

One thing was certain: I had to get another look going – even if I had to fake it until a more genuine one came along.

This was my “SA face” – not a good look for me (or anyone really). This was a sure way to keep people at bay and ensure a lifetime of loneliness.

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