The events that took place at the mall that day weighed heavily on my mind – and marked a pivotal point in my life. As crazy as that sounds, my situation changed drastically from that point on.

I started to become more aware of myself as a social creature – One who is part of the human race, for better or for worse. Society played by its own rules regardless of any one individuals ideas or opinions. There were rules (many unspoken) about what is considered acceptable behavior and what will allow a single individual to be accepted by the masses. For the first time in my life I began to understand that I had been missing the basics for friendship, closeness, and just plain respect.

I began to realize that I had many undesirable qualities. I blamed society for the way I felt, but that wasnt fair. Society was not responsible for my screwed up personality -although I believed that my entire life. I blamed people for my misfortune when, in fact, it was fabricated by yours truly.

The result of all this was a bitter, angry, and spiteful personality which had taken a lifetime to develop. I was always suspicious of others and always thought that if someone was kind to me, then they just wanted something in return – or that they were out to hurt me in the end.

Now heres the thing: In public, I would always have a nice-guy way about me. This was not how I felt however. In reality, I still had this poison personality – but because I wanted everyone to like me, I put on a charade. My fragile self-esteem could not take any form of criticism, so I played it safe. I tried to please everyone by always being nice, meek, and agreeable. This pleasant personality was a wall in a sense. I didnt want anyone getting close to the real me – the real me that hated the whole world. If they knew what I was really like, some might not approve – and I could never handle someone being critical of me. How much more insecure could I have been?

It was this personality, or more accurately – this belief system, that was convinced that the whole world was against me. It was my warped belief system that had me convinced that people were laughing at me, that I was inferior, that I was being judged all the time, that I didnt belong – that I would never have the confidence to enjoy life like a normal person.

I had a defense mechanism like no other. A finely tuned process built on years of inaccuracies. Any perceived threat was immediately dealt with in order to protect my inner self. I truly believed that everyone was out to gain an advantage at my expense. I could not open up and treat people with respect and kindness because I did not want to appear weak. If there was a chance that they were insincere, then I could never be on the receiving end of that. Imagine letting my guard down – to be open, honest, and sincere with someone, only to find out that I had been used as the object of a joke or as a means for someone to show off their superiority.

When I perceived a threat, my personality was poised to retaliate. Generally, this threat was not real, but the retaliation was.

This feeling of being under attack, translated into the physical signs that were all too obvious when I saw myself in the mirror – A mixture of fear, anxiety, anger, and hopelessness. Not a great face to begin socializing with.