Anxiety and my new image

Confident that I could present myself in a more pleasant manner, I started my social experiments in the incubation stage once more. I felt extremely nervous and anxious – I wasn’t sure why. Perhaps it was the knowledge of having something real to bring to the table. I now had a workable approach and stood to achieve more than I ever dreamed of. I was on the verge of a life-changing experience, but I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. I feared success and the change it would bring to my life.

Yes, there was that fear, but something else too…

I was also scared to death of putting my plan into action. Although I had practiced in the safety of my room, this would be a very different thing. This was real. These people were real. I would receive real-world feedback, both positive and negative. Could I handle that?

This was an entirely new experience for me, and I wondered if I had the ability to follow through. After all, I had a very standard script that I followed in social situations. I avoided people, avoided eye contact, never smiled, and tried to end conversations as soon as possible. If the situation required a smile, I would try to produce a weak, close-mouthed, neutral smile – and that was it.

Producing a big, toothy smile in public went against thirty-plus years of conditioning. I was not at all comfortable with this function. My brain was still programmed to produce my old, neutral look. The responses were 100% automatic so I would have to be consciously aware of what I was doing 100% of the time. I could not stop concentrating on the task for fear of the auto-responses taking over.

The auto-responses just loved to take care of things. They loved to take control while I stood on the sidelines, unaware, oblivious. They would take care of my “look” for me – no problem. They would protect me by limiting my outward appearance to the usual boring, unappealing, neutral, canned response. “After all, we wouldn’t want to attract any attention for fear of criticism.”

Yes, careful was best. Careful was safe. Careful allowed me to keep my self-esteem (or apparent self-esteem) intact. If I didn’t mix it up, I would come out unscathed.

Self-preservation was a very strong natural instinct.

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