A family gathering

The Saturday get-together was no different than any other. There were 16 people in total – my parents, brothers, spouses, and their kids. I was comfortable with everyone except my brother’s wife. She was very assertive and aggressive, and seemed to take pleasure in the fact that I didn’t say much. It was a given that she would make a little dig towards me at some point during the outing. I don’t know what she got out of it, but she seemed to take great pleasure in belittling me.

She made me nervous and, for a minute, I had second thoughts about trying out my new image. However, the more I thought about it, the more it occurred to me that she had no right to influence how I felt about myself – that was up to me. I was more determined than ever.

I started out as usual – not saying much and just smiling, closed-mouthed and neutral. It was a look that everyone was used to – nothing new here. I decided to feel things out first. I wanted to settle in and relax a bit before trying my new look.

The first opportunity came after my brother had shared a particularly funny joke with the rest of us. I had the urge to laugh and smile, but suppressed this feeling almost instantaneously.

Usually this feeling of instant self-consciousness was so quick that it came and went without my being aware of it. This time, however, I caught it and was determined to change things. I forced myself to let loose and act how I felt. I didn’t want to over do it, I just wanted to nudge myself up a level.

I decided to try out a modest smile (one that I practiced in front of the mirror a hundred times). I didn’t have the usual paranoia because I actually knew what this expression looked like to others. This was a huge relief.

I let go and just went with what felt right. I tried to block out the negative self-talk (which was still there) and just smiled and laughed knowing that my look was not any stranger than anyone else’s.

My practice was paying off – I felt much more confident. It was exhilarating!

No one looked at me strangely – even my wicked sister-in-law. They were not judging me or snickering at my feeble attempt.

Although I still felt extremely uncomfortable, I felt as though I made real progress – some real-life progress.

I went to bed that night with the biggest smile on my face – really, I couldn’t stop smiling.

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