Archive for August, 2006
The party - part 7
Eventually, after about an hour and a half of an extremely one-sided conversation, I was saved by the bell. Bill’s wife phoned him on his cell, and since the party was so loud, he had to excuse himself and take it inside. I was more than ok with this and I quickly walked away from [...]
The party - part 6
Downing two quick beers seemed to take the edge off. However, I had to be mindful of the fact that I could not hold my liquor very well. In the past, I made the mistake of using alcohol as a crutch to get me through social situations, but it always turned out bad. I ended [...]
The party - part 5
Standing in front of the full-length mirror in the downstairs washroom, I felt physically ill. I was overcome with feelings of uncontrollable anxiety that I just couldn’t shake. None of my coping techniques were working because the level of social interaction I was being forced to participate in overwhelmed me. I still had an uncontrollable [...]
The party - part 4
After a few minutes, I noticed that people went back to what they were doing before we made our entrance. The pressure eased slightly as they picked up their conversations until the next group of arrivals made their appearance. I was fighting an overwhelming urge to stare at the ground, away from the judging stares [...]
The party - part 3
Walking into the party, I felt pretty vulnerable. It would have been bad enough in the best of circumstances, but now I was fighting one of my “black-mood” episodes brought on by the car ride over. I thought of bolting just before we got to the house – but where would I go? Leaving now [...]
The party - part 2
We headed out to the party at 4pm. It would be an outdoor event with tons of food, beer and a huge pool. Apparently, these get-togethers lasted into the night and early morning. We had to stop along the way and pick up another friend/co-worker and I started to get a bad feeling about the [...]
The party - part 1
The next big break came months later. I had been diligently following the program I set out for myself – maintaining a minimum number of exposures per day, going that extra step and really pushing myself. I was in a constant state of self-awareness and refused to let the old social anxiety habits take control. [...]
The right frame of mind
It took a long time to realize that being in the right frame of mind played an important role in how I interpreted feedback from the outside world. Quite often, I would miss a positive comment or gesture by others, and at other times, I would overlook the fact that I rose to the challenge [...]
A hint of change
As time went on, I found that I had become comfortable with the exposures I set out for myself in the incubation stage. While I didn’t completely “own” this level, I was, nonetheless, quite comfortable. The very small amount of positive feedback I received, served to re-program my belief system and build my confidence ever [...]
Still socially anxious
My social experiments in and around town, were going ok. I suppose I had a lot to be proud of, but I didn’t give myself credit for much. I was my own worst enemy. However, I did feel that a lot had been accomplished over the last year. I improved my appearance (smiling more naturally), [...]