The party - part 1
The next big break came months later. I had been diligently following the program I set out for myself – maintaining a minimum number of exposures per day, going that extra step and really pushing myself. I was in a constant state of self-awareness and refused to let the old social anxiety habits take control. I was very aware of my appearance and walked with my head up, smiling at others when warranted (though most times I didn’t feel like it).
Things seemed to be coming easier (or at least, more familiar). It didn’t seem quite as exhausting and I actually felt *better*? More specifically, I felt a little less anxious and not so much the center of everyone’s attention. Mind you, this change was so slight that I wasn’t sure anything had happened at first.
Which is why I asked myself this question: After all the work I had put in, all the time I’d devoted and the sacrifices I’d made, was this all I could ever hope to achieve – a somewhat less socially anxious outlook on life? Yeah, I felt a little better after months of practicing in the safety of the incubation stage, but something was missing – I had hit a wall. I was experiencing the law of diminishing returns, if you will.
While one part of me felt that I had mastered the incubation level, another, more cautious side, felt I had missed something. There was something I needed to take to the next level, but I’ll be damned if I knew what it was.
The answer came to me one warm July evening. Well, it didn’t exactly come to me; I had to suffer through what was the most humiliating day of my life. In fact, had I known what that evening held in store for me, I would have run in the opposite direction.
Noticing my new-and-improved demeanor, my brother casually asked me if I would like to go to a party being held by one of his work acquaintances. He was told to come and bring along anyone he wanted. I didn’t say no right away, but I was 99.9% sure that I would end up saying thanks, but no. In fact, I automatically assumed that I would before the end of the day.
As the day wore on, I found myself thinking about the party and wondering if I just might be able to pull it off. Keep in mind that if the incubation stage was a level one on a scale of one to ten, then this would be a high seven or a low eight. In the end I threw caution to the wind and agreed to go (stupid, stupid, stupid). After all, how bad could it be?
Thinking and doing are two entirely different things. I wish someone could have taken me aside and explained that again. Jumping off a double black diamond ski run would not make me a great skier, even though, technically, I had just navigated the run by falling all the way to the bottom.
I was so ill-prepared for what lie ahead that it makes me physically ill to even think about it today.
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