After the party
After a few days of wallowing in self-pity, I began thinking a little more clearly. I also noticed, to my amazement, that I got over the party incident much quicker than normal. Was I imagining things? I mean, if this had happened a few years back, I would have been utterly destroyed – out of action for weeks. But here I was, back to normal in less than two days. Was that a coincidence?
I know now that it wasn’t a fluke, but at the time my usual pessimism prevented me from believing that something had changed for the better. Still, I had to question how quickly I recovered. I had just been through the worst social exposure of my life and here I was, still intact.
It was obvious that the party didn’t go well (at least for me). In fact, there wasn’t one positive thing I could say about it. Being almost paralyzed with fear for five hours wasn’t my idea of a good time. The episode in the kitchen didn’t help matters much. I obsessed about those comments for days.
But what was different this time? Why didn’t I go into the usual “after-the-party” depression? Well, I would have to say that it was all up to the work I had done previously. All the time I spent improving my looks and forcing myself into social encounters, was very slowly re-programming my sub-conscience.
Some may look at the example of the party and say that it was a total failure and, yes, that’s true, but it could have been worse. If you compared me to the extroverts in attendance, I was a total disaster – however, by comparing myself to previous performances, I could pick up on subtle improvements. It’s all in having the right perspective.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, the work I had done in improving my appearance and the forced social exposures of the previous months, gave me a little more confidence, and that built a very small amount of self-esteem. Was it worth it? Well, at the time I thought it was a huge effort for such a small return, but there was no denying that I had changed.
Looking back, I realize that I was on the back end of the curve. I was putting out a massive effort and getting almost nothing in return. But I was getting something – that was undeniable.
I’d later discover that my efforts would pay off a hundred fold and that my progress would increase exponentially. I likened this to “priming a pump.” It takes a lot of effort in the beginning, but once it starts, things get noticeably easier.
I know that there are some who may have a little more pessimistic attitude about their chance at turning things around, but I would say try it anyway. What have you got to lose?
In a million years, I would have never believed I’d see an improvement in my condition. Yet, it was happening. It was definitely happening…
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