S.T.A.R.E.
S.T.A.R.E. is my manual system for dealing with social challenges. It consists of 5 steps and is intended to stop the automatic thoughts and reactions associated with the “runaway” social anxiety cycle. Having very low self-esteem and zero confidence, I needed this to effectively deal with society. Later, I would begin to depend less and less on this “tool” as my natural coping abilities developed and grew stronger.
As acronyms go, I wanted to use something that was relevant and accurate at the same time. I wanted something that was easy to remember, even in times of panic and high anxiety.
It wasn’t easy using this system, but it was very effective. I had to painstakingly go through the steps and manually process information. Given that fact, I only used it for the worst social difficulties.
So here it is:
Stop - as in turn off your thoughts, block out the rest of the world and just stop the negative thoughts. This took some practice, but I was eventually able to just turn off my runaway, obsessive thinking. I used many techniques to accomplish this. Most of the time, I just blanked out everything around me and thought of something totally irrelevant or abstract. Anything will do, as long as you are able to distract your auto-thoughts. The social anxiety cycle hates distractions – It prefers that we just give in and let it handle everything. Don’t try to “fix” your problems in this stage, just think of something entirely unrelated.
Take a look around. I mean, really take a look around. I can’t overemphasize how critical that is. I had to force myself to do this in the beginning because it went against my natural tendency to avoid eye contact and stare at the ground. I found that by not really looking around, my imagination would replace truth with fiction. That fiction was totally overblown, decidedly negative, and harmful in every possible way. By not getting up and looking at the world around me, I always assumed that it was much worse than it actually was.
Analyze or Assess the situation. Is it real? Is it happening, or is it my overactive imagination? A determination must be made here. If it is real, then what would be the next move? What is a reasonable reaction? What’s the best or worse thing that could happen? If it’s not real, remind yourself that it’s false. Scream it out loud in your mind. Make sure you tell yourself in no uncertain terms.
Is it Reasonable? After you have determined whether it’s real or fake, ask yourself if it’s reasonable. For example, if you have determined that someone is intentionally targeting you, ask yourself if it’s reasonable – Is this normal social behavior? Keep in mind that it takes all kinds to make the world go round and not everyone is firing on all cylinders. In short, if you don’t know the person/people, how can you assume they are in a position to judge or evaluate you? If it’s someone you know, then you need to explore other, less sinister, reasons for their behavior. Don’t assume you know the reasons.
Make an Effort. Situations don’t get better without effort. I found that this was the hardest part of the entire exercise. This is where you need to work at remedying a situation. Shutting yourself off from the world and wallowing in your introverted, obsessive, and negative thoughts, is the easiest thing to do, but the most harmful in the long run. It may be something as simple as removing yourself from a high-anxiety situation or simply finding other ways to distract your introverted thoughts. Start a conversation with someone you feel at ease with, take a washroom break, get some fresh air - whatever it takes.
If you are truly brave, confront your perceived threats head-on by approaching the person/people whom you feel threatened by and give them a friendly nod, a quick hello, or even start a conversation with them. I have personally never had a bad experience by doing this. Most times it turns out that I was obsessing about nothing. Keep in mind that this is not something I would have been able to do in the beginning. For me, it took a long time before I could approach people like that.
I’ll follow-up with greater detail and some real-life examples in upcoming posts…
3 Responses to “S.T.A.R.E.”
Hey Drew, great post. I find your first two steps very interesting and helpful. At first I disagreed with “stopping” as it’s also true that those of us with social anxiety avoid are current situations with distractions, rather than facing it straight on. BUT, that’s exactly what you’re saying to do by first stopping and then taking a look around. That looking around is the direct face-to-face that we have to be courageous to try. It seems so much more beneficial to do that by stopping our mind in its tracks to reorient ourselves. Could be the real/metahporical “take a deep breath…now, what do you see?”.
And I love you’re acronym. This is such a great way to actually remember what to do in situations where most of the time it can be difficult to remember anything:P
Hello- I thank you for your honesty and by posting info on your struggles. It does make me sad that the anxiety has forced you to take a job that is below your level. I know you could work at such a higher level since you have your college degree. I think the worst depression for me was when I worked beneath my ability level. I know you have to do what works best for you though. Thanks again.
Hi there, hit upon your blog a few weeks back, and have been reading vigorously ever since. Believe me, I feel like a man who has just discovered a gold mine!
I tried your STARE method the other day, and I didn’t have to go beyond S, that’s all it took to take my anxiety away!
Please do keep writing.
Leave a Reply