Is it reasonable?

After analyzing the social situation, I would have either concluded that the “threat” was real, or a figment of my over-active imagination. Most times it turned out to be false and I skipped a step, going straight to “Making an effort.”

However, if the threat was real (or perceived to be real), I continued on with the “Is it reasonable?” stage.

“Is it reasonable?”

Once a threat had been identified, this would be the first question I asked myself. In other words, was there a good reason for a person or persons to be acting in a way that caused me to feel uncomfortable, anxious, or self-conscious? Was it reasonable behavior for them to be treating me that way? I had to fight my usual thoughts that screamed it was my fault – that I had deserved it because of something I did or because of some defect that just brought out the worst in people.

One example of this would be after someone had been intentionally rude or aggressive towards me. By asking if their behavior was warranted or reasonable, I was not automatically assuming that there was something wrong with me. I would not assume that, yes, they were acting reasonably, and that it was my fault (he’s pissed – it must have been something I did). Knowing I did nothing wrong, forced me to consider other reasons.

People are complex beings, and there are a multitude of factors that determine behavior. Since I can’t read minds, and I don’t know everyone’s history, I cannot begin to understand where they are coming from.

Another example of an incident where I would ask if the behavior displayed was reasonable was when I determined that I was being stared at. Not imagined staring, but real “single me out,” “in your face” staring.

I considered the circumstances in which one human being would feel the need to stare at another for no apparent reason. If there was nothing truly unique, different, or unusual about me, why would any sane person act in such a manner? In this instance, I would certainly have to conclude that their behavior was not reasonable. Given those facts, one could only assume that there were things going on that had nothing to do with me, but were simply a part of that persons own life. In other words, they had their own issues.

Asking the question “Is it reasonable?” really took the focus off me and opened up a new world of possibilities – much more realistic possibilities.

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