Making an effort
The final stage in the stare process is Effort – or more accurately, making an effort. In most cases, I never need this step because my problem has been solved at either the “Analyze” or the “Is it reasonable?” stage.
For example:
I feel that I’m being stared at on a public bus. I raise my head to take a look around, only to see no one looking at me at all. In the analyze stage, I determine that the threat is false and that’s pretty much it.
A stranger is looking at me while I eat my lunch in a public park. I look up to verify this, and he tells me to f**k off. In analyzing the situation, I confirm that he is being hostile towards me for no reason. In the “Is it reasonable?” stage I can say with the utmost certainty that it is not reasonable behavior. Then I notice him swearing at the top of his lungs at everyone who passes. He’s obviously ill – no need to go to the “Make an effort” stage. Everything is answered to my satisfaction.
The “Making an effort” step is really situational and not used very often (No, I didn’t include it just to complete the word “STARE”).
Actually, I would say that it’s more of an advanced step. It allows me to confront my fears. It takes the situation to the outside world – usually to the source. It bridges the gap from thought to action. Not in a confrontational way, but in an inquisitive way.
This is very important: I ALWAYS assess the potential danger before performing this step. I only practice it in a safe environment where I know other people or I calculate the risk to be low. I would never approach a stranger in public. I would approach a stranger at a party amongst familiar people. I would approach a co-worker, acquaintance, etc…
Let me give you an example:
I’m at a party and I’ve noticed someone staring at me and smiling (laughing). I know this is true because I have looked directly at them. I have analyzed the situation and it is not my imagination. I have asked myself if it is reasonable to have someone staring at me. Yes, it was very unusual and not reasonable at all. After all, I double checked to make sure I looked normal – nothing wild and unusual. Since there was no reason for them to be staring at me, it had to be something else.
After determining that it was not reasonable, I would look for other obvious things. Was he looking at someone else behind me? Was he watching something on television? Does he look mentally ill? Is he drunk or drugged up?
If I can’t produce some reasonable explanation, then I will consider approaching the person. That depends entirely on the circumstances and who I am dealing with. If I think it is safe to do so, I’ll smile and walk over to them.
In almost 100% of the cases, there is a reasonable explanation – I just couldn’t see it until I talked to the person.
I have had people say that they thought I was someone else, or that I reminded them of someone. I have had people introduce themselves as a second cousin or as a school chum from grade three. I even had some say that they were wondering where I got that jacket, shoes, whatever.
In the past, I have confirmed that some were drunk, drugged, spaced-out, or mentally ill. However, it was not noticeable until I actually started talking to them.
When I approach people like this, I do it in a very positive and friendly manner. I don’t get in their face and start asking them what they were staring at. I play it cool, and just casually say hi and ease into some small talk. They are usually taken back by this and many times they seem embarrassed or surprised.
I once had a woman staring at me at a bus stop (or so I was convinced), so I approached her and said hi. She apologized and said that she had been off in another world thinking about something. She apologized for staring at me, even though I had not mentioned it at all.
The thing I’m getting at is that in no case has there ever not
been a reasonable explanation. In no case has someone been staring at me, maliciously, because they hated me or thought I was weird or different. In no case was someone actually laughing at me because I seemed strange.
It took me a long time to be able to do this. But I’ll tell you that there is nothing quite as powerful for building the old self-esteem and re-programming the belief system.
The secret is in how you approach people.
Leave a Reply