Social anxiety and public transit - part 1
Public transit has always been a real challenge for me. Well, actually, any crowded public place was a challenge, but buses and trains always sent my anxiety through the roof.
I didn’t mind transit vehicles that had all the seats facing forward, but that was rarely the case. Most buses and subways are designed with space requirements in mind and, as a result, many of the seats are facing each other – my worst nightmare.
If I found myself sitting opposite to someone else, I would get really freaked out. It was so bad that I couldn’t even lift my head at times. I would be constantly trying to find a place to park my stare, and imagining that everyone on that side of the bus was evaluating me. I was so self-conscious of how I looked. I just tried my best to keep a neutral, “nothing to see here” image. Of course, I was too timid to actually lift my head and meet their “mocking stares,” so I just accepted the fact that there was something wrong with me. Really, who in their right mind wouldn’t stare? I would think myself into a state of paralysis.
After a few successful trial runs with the stare method in low-anxiety situations, I thought it might be a good idea to really test it in one of my most frightening settings.
The first opportunity I had was on the local transit bus. I boarded the bus one afternoon when things were not that busy. Even though there were my usual “comfort zone” seats facing towards the front, I sat down in the long bench seats that faced each other.
There was an older gentleman and a younger child sitting opposite. It wasn’t really bad because these people were not the type that would trigger a social anxiety attack.
As the bus drove through town, more people got on and things got crowded. A businessman and a good-looking woman eventually ended up sitting opposite me. I glanced at them - she was looking in her purse, and he was looking straight at me – cocky and confident.
Well, that was all it took. I started imagining how they were evaluating me and noticing how weird I looked and acted. My head was held down by an invisible force as my thoughts ran out of control. All of a sudden, I felt so much more stupid, useless, weak, and worthless than I had only 10 minutes earlier. Somehow, that cocky, staring bastard had taken something from me and he wasn’t even aware of it.
Of course he wasn’t aware - the entire crisis was being played out in my head. The real enemy was me.
I decided to try the stare method even though I felt it would do no good. This was too intense – like putting out a forest fire with a single bucket of water. This situation threatened to take my silly little technique, chew it up, and spit it back at me.
Nevertheless, I forced myself to go through the motions just to say I tried it – after all, that was what I was here for.
One Response to “Social anxiety and public transit - part 1”
Your story on public transit is similar to mine. I ride the bus 3 days a week to and from work. Many times I sit where the seats are face to face. There are times I feel people are staring at me. This is a challenge. I don’t always know where to look for fear even making eye contact with others they may feel I am staring at them. Today a man sat across from me and I just knew he was watching my every move. Later I noticed he had his eyes shut and was partially asleep. I know that my S.A. can make me believe some crazy stuff. Maybe I will overcome that fear someday.
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