Even bullies have issues
The confrontation at the pub was a one-off – a childish, schoolyard-bully, one-off – very rare in an adult society. Normal, civilized people do not behave in that manner – trust me. However, we do live in a very diverse and unpredictable world, and you never know what’s around the corner.
So how can one prepare for confrontations like that - where all reason and sensibility has gone out the window? The truth is that you can only change the way you interpret outside information. You will never change society, and you will never change people.
Years ago, I would spend days agonizing over how stupid and weak I was in the aftermath of a confrontation. I never questioned anything, and I automatically assumed that whatever happened was my fault. Even if, deep down, I knew that I was not to blame, I would always assume it was something I should, or shouldn’t, have done. That’s what having zero self-esteem will do for you.
I got to the point where I avoided many things that are part of a normal life – all because I was afraid to draw attention to myself. That kind of thinking does absolutely no good whatsoever. I spent many years avoiding situations that would attract the attention of the bullies of the world. And guess what? They found me anyway.
Just to clarify: Drawing the attention of bullies was only one of many fears. Generally, I was scared to draw the attention of anyone, period.
Bullies bolster their own self-esteem by destroying that of others. I’m sure that there are volumes written about this anti-social trait in psychiatric journals. I’m not going to pretend that I understand their behavior, except to say that I’m convinced it’s a “lack of self-esteem” issue.
Why do they pick on the weak and vulnerable? Well, I think it’s because they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that their tactics are working, and that they are getting maximum results with minimum work. There is that need for certainty - to know that they have done a job well. Not half-assed, as what might be the case with a stronger, tougher opponent.
Picking on someone with social anxiety, for example, is perfect. There is no second guessing as to whether the tactics are effective – they know they are without a doubt - all they have to do is look at the victim. That need for nothing less than absolute certainty is a sign of low self-esteem.
I wonder what kind of response I would have received had I suggested that the bar bully needed a few hours on the couch.
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