A little reward for all that effort!
With each passing day, I find my spirits lifting. While I still have a long way to go with my social anxiety problem, I am finding it easier to relate to others and stand my ground when things are less than ideal. In a way, it’s almost been like the classic “snowball effect”, where things don’t gain momentum until you hit that sweet spot – then watch out.
In the beginning, I was getting nothing in return for my efforts. I was going through with my exposures, trying to talk to strangers, attending more functions, and trying to be consciously aware of my behavior in such situations. I was using CBT techniques and other coping mechanisms to help the process along. I felt as though I was trudging uphill and any lapse in concentration would result in my having to start from square one.
The most depressing thing was that after months of this self-inflicted torture, I didn’t feel the least bit different. I still had the same avoidant, anxiety ridden, personality that I’d always had.
I was on the verge of giving up because it looked like a lost cause. A person can only keep the faith for so long before the situation starts to look hopeless. What I needed was some real results in order to stay motivated.
My turning point came earlier this year. I had pretty much given up on improving my situation. There were slight differences in my personality and how I interpreted the outside world, but nothing earth-shattering, and certainly not what I had hoped for.
I still felt as though there was a deep-seated problem. I still felt inferior and different from the rest of society. It was at that point that I almost conceded defeat. I had come to the conclusion that I was fighting a problem that was infinitely bigger than me. I decided to resign myself to the fact that my personality was inherently flawed and that I didn’t just have social anxiety, it was who I was.
Shortly after that, I began to feel better. I don’t know if it was the simple act of accepting my condition, or the delayed effect of more than a year of hard work in fighting my social phobia, but things seemed to improve somewhat.
When I say improved, I don’t mean that I was instantly transformed into a “life-of-the-party” extrovert, but I definitely felt different…better.
I felt less anxious and my constant feeling of inferiority subsided. I caught myself looking at the world a little more – and this was an automatic thing! I didn’t have to think about it. I started to get into the habit of looking at my surroundings and other people when I was in public. I was never able to do that before.
Now, the real question was: Did I feel this way because I accepted the fact that social anxiety was a part of my basic personality, or was it a result of all my hard work?
Well, I think it was all the work I put into changing my life – it just happened to coincide with my acceptance of my social anxiety disorder. Of course, self-acceptance can be life-changing in itself. I wish I knew for sure.
Well, regardless, I felt like a new man.
I spent my life fighting SA head-on, not realizing that it was a part of me that I couldn’t just cut out. After I accepted who I was, I realized that whatever improvements I made, I would still be me – and I didn’t really want to change that.
In the end, I suppose it’s just a matter of improving what I had, not discarding everything and creating an entirely new personality.
That took a lot of pressure off and went a long way to helping me come to terms with my obsession for comparing myself to everyone.
I’ll talk about that next.
2 Responses to “A little reward for all that effort!”
I enjoyed reading all your blogs, very honest and uplifting, looking forward to reading more. I’m very glad that you were able to experience the lowest of lows (the party + the bully etc.) and yet still come out triumphant and stronger, it inspires me to keep on struggling with my own SA.
You know, I sometimes think that everyone has a good dose of SA but some choose to deal head-on with their demons - courageous people like yourself, for instance - and others choose to project their insecurities and fears outward, to varying degrees of harmfulness. I think our biggest struggle is to avoid getting pulled into the undertow of general despair we see and feel in the world around us. Self-acceptance is paramount here. If we know ourselves, we will appreciate others more fully as well… we will spend less time overprocessing information and more time enjoying the beauty of human interaction and friendship. A degree of friendship is possible with most people when an atmosphere of acceptance abounds, and acceptance always starts within. It is a lifelong journey for those of us who were misdiagnosed as a child by family and teachers alike, but it is possible! In my family, progress was merely defined by financial success or lack thereof. For me, the only truely valuable legacy we can hope to leave the world is a dose of wisdom and compassion for life… qualities that derive from self-acceptance, endurance, courage and emotional intelligence…qualities that you appear to have in spades my friend. Be good to yourself, and don’t miss out on the beauty that can still be found in life. It is still there, struggling to survive in the shadows with the rest of us.
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