Low self-esteem and comparing attributes
Yes, we all love to evaluate people, even if we don’t admit it. In fact, most of us are probably unaware that we even do it. What is this need to have someone’s number; to have them figured out in our heads? It’s really like some sort of competition, and we’re all looking for chinks in the armor. Why?
Well, two things come to mind:
One - We feel better about ourselves if we know we possess some desirable trait that others don’t - though most of us would never admit to being that shallow.
Two - We need to know what we’re up against. We need to know with whom we are dealing with, and customize our behavior based on that information.
In my case, the evaluation process involved a direct comparison between me and whomever I was talking to. I was not looking for defects in that other person to boost my own self-esteem; I was simply trying to figure out if I would be able to hold my own socially. After a determination was made, I would take my rightful place in the social hierarchy and converse accordingly.
During this initial evaluation, I compared myself to the other person on many different levels. It never turned out great, since my low self-esteem would always warp things in the process. As long as my belief system processed things in a negatively biased fashion, I’d never win – I’d never be as good as anyone else. Oh, by the way, this was all automatic. I didn’t really have to think about it.
Most times, I would end up being jealous of certain physical or personality traits in that other person and torture myself because I didn’t measure up to that pre-conceived standard.
Now, I have to add that this situation has improved over the past few years. I no longer feel subservient to everyone. I also made a promise that I would never let people (or more accurately, my interpretation of people) determine my self-worth. This wasn’t something that happened overnight. It took a lot of determination to turn my belief system around.
Here is one important fact that took me a long time to realize:
If I automatically took a submissive stance upon meeting someone, they would take that and run with it. Believe me. Even the kindest, most gentle people will sense that they have dominance in a conversation.
After that, there would be no turning back. It was like giving them a green light and telling them, “Take the lead, you’re in charge.”
Could I have faked confidence during the initial meeting? Nope, it never worked. Somehow, we humans have a gift that allows us to rate people on many levels, very quickly, and by many methods. Physical looks being one of the most obvious, there are also many less obvious. Social skills, conversation skills, and vocabulary, all play a vital role.
We all have a gift for picking up on even the most subtle personality traits. As a result, confidence must be genuine, as phoniness will be caught in short order.
One Response to “Low self-esteem and comparing attributes”
I have to say I agree with your comment that ppl will try and walk over u if u show submissiveness or weakness. I have only recently come to this conclusion myself. I was brought up in a very traditional (and at times abusive) chinese household where by showing submissiveness is kind of like a way of showing respect. Therefore by way of habit and/or my personality when I meet ppl I tend to be very polite and relatively submissive. I find that a number of ppl, NOT all, will try and take advantage of this (which then alters my opinion of the character of the person). Since discovering this “fact of life” I have altered my behaviour accordingly. I find that if I throw a bit of aggressiveness back at the said person they tend to back right off (again demonstrating the character of that person). Now I know this may not be the most socially acceptable way of dealing with this situation but hey it works for me. Im sure that as I continue to discover, experience and make my way through life my actions will change but at this point in life if someone gives me ‘one’, ill give them ‘two’.
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