Public and private personalities
In a previous post, I mentioned that I seemed to have two very different personalities, entirely dependant upon location. There was my “at home” personality (I considered this to be the real me), and my public personality.
I felt completely relaxed at home. I was witty, fun to be around, and maybe even admired. There was not a hint of apprehension in how I expressed myself, and my own self-perception was very positive. In fact, there were days where I didn’t think of my social phobia at all. It was nice to have these mini vacations without my brain going into overdrive and second-guessing every move I made. In the confines of my home, I actually enjoyed being me. My entire perspective on the world, and my place in it, was normal. I felt good about myself.
Although staying at home was not helping with my exposure to the real world, I valued the fact that I had a safe place to retreat to when I felt the need to re-group.
If only I could have transferred that state of mind, that personality, to the outside world. If I could be that person in public, I knew I would have fit right in. But there was no way that would happen. Actually, I could feel myself transforming as I walked out the front door. Defenses went up, suspicions rose, self-esteem plummeted, and anxiety flooded my brain, displacing my previously “normal” self with something very different. I could not relax enough to implement any of the characteristics I possessed at home.
Welcome the public me - where contentment was replaced with fear, and self-esteem replaced with self-doubt. Here, I was less attractive, less intelligent, and less worthy. My smile had been replaced with a cautious, serious, anxious expression. I was quiet and reserved and preferred to just let life happen without interacting at all. Every thought I had, every move I made, and every bit of feedback I received, was intensely scrutinized. I had an impenetrable barrier between myself and the outside world that would not let life just happen - enabling me to enjoy a normal existence like everyone else.
Now, having said all that, I do believe that the tendency to adopt a different personality in a less than familiar environment is a natural human trait. I’m sure that a high-powered executive takes on a different, more business-like, approach in the office than he/she would at home. The fact that we dress better, talk better, and are constantly mindful of how we are being interpreted by others, leads me to believe that we all have a more aware, scrutinizing, and cautious side to us. It just so happens that mine is a little too much so.
I tried to re-create some positive aspects of my indoor personality while in public, but I could not afford to misread the real meaning of what people were saying. I could not afford to screw up anything I said or did, for fear of disapproval. I was in a state of constant panic and I couldn’t turn my thoughts off.
It’s no wonder that I did not naturally attract friends. People have a sixth sense for things like that, and I’m sure with all this going on inside my head, I was sending out bad vibes and “do not approach” signals in a major way.
However, I was powerless to stop it. That was the public me, and that was the person I needed to change. My indoor (real) personality was not transportable and was quite comfortable where it was. If I wanted to change the way I behaved in public, and how I was perceived by society, I would have to work on my public personality separately.
4 Responses to “Public and private personalities”
I know exactly what you’re talking about. Some of my closer friends can’t begin to understand how I can be the way I claim. They see the “inside” me and even when we go out, the see the “mask” I create for myself. I am only able to manage it because I draw strength from my friends. I know they expect em to be a certain way and I somehow manage to live up to that. But when I’m out alone, I revert to my “socially anxious” self. Someone they don’t know and can’t understand.
If only I could be my “indoor” self all the time. A person from my support group once summed it up like this: “Normal people typically feel pretty much the same when they are outside as they do when they are at home. They don’t undergo a personality change when they walk out the front door. I hope one day to get to a point where I am no different outside as I am at home.”
Certainly that’s a goal worth working towards.
SA D.
Yes, it is possible to reach the point where you can be yourself at home and while you are out.
I was painfully shy for about half my life. I sat quietly in the classroom and even the teacher forgot about me. I liked it that way. Until the day she asked me a question and realized I might be missing the lessons. Fact is, my mind went blank when she asked me to stand up and answer her.
My situation was made worse when one of my Grade 5 teachers had a “game” that involved 3 hoops on the floor at the front of the class. We had to step into the first ring, answer a question and repeat until we did all 3 hoops. I was panic stricken. As I stood in front of the class, all I could think about was the other kids staring at me. I was made to stand in front of the class quite awhile. It had a major impact on my life for many years to come.
My father had a habit of always commenting on how miserable I looked. This only made me more consciouis of my facial expressions and in turn, added more fear of being in public.
Many decades later and after finally surviving anxiety in its wildest form, I learned to like myself. From then on, I grew - the shyness all but disappeared and now I believe I’m the same person whether I’m at home or away.
The key was to gain confidence by submerging myself into what I do best - write. I love it, and I think I’m pretty good at it. This natural talent turned out to be a major life saver.
From that shy schoolgirl, I became an award-winning journalist who has interviewed many people, spoken to groups, and met many wonderful people. Today, I feel good about who I’ve become.
Perhaps this technique of going after something you love will solve your shyness issues, too.
I also have an ‘indoor’ and ‘outdoor’ face. When I’m at home with my husband or alone, I’m fine and relaxed. In public, depending on who I am with, I feel totally and completely different.
I wish I could always be relaxed.
i’m so sorry that you feel that way. please don’t take this the wrong way….i’m also kind of releived that you and others feel this way. i thought i was going crazy. i’m only 21 years old and i have lived with social anxiety since i was about 5. i can remember going to school and pretending to look like my aunt so that i would feel comfortable. that way noone was really looking at “me”.
growing up i forged some relationships that i have held onto into adulthood but they are all based on a “fake” me. i have lived in the same town since i was born and i feel so uncomfortable walking around it (you never know when you might run into someone) that i stay in my house unless it is absolutley dire for me to leave…..and i only go if i can drive. i have quit 9 jobs in the past 2 years because i cannot take the pressure of trying to make conversations and new relationships. boy friends?? please. the thought of trying to make conversations with someone sends me into a downward spiral.
the sad thing though is that my at home face wore off. i used to be bubbly and energetic when i got inside but the anxiety has worn me so thin that i can’t even be myself in here. now i’m just a crabby bitch.
type socialphobia.org in the address bar. they made me feel a little better as far as hope goes. also try meditating it’s key to living an organized life. the secret (the book) sometimes puts me in a decent mood too. good luck and don’t let your home face disapear. do something about this before that happens.
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