Social anxiety disorder still runs the show
Well, another year is almost over and, looking back, I feel as though my progress has been slow and a “cure” for this horrible condition as elusive as ever. The social aspect of the holiday season only serves to confirm this feeling.
I’m a little down as I write this because I have devoted quite a lot of time and effort into improving my life and trying to overcome social anxiety disorder; only to see a very marginal improvement. I have certainly put more into it than I have gotten out.
During the past week, I’ve been to a number of social gatherings (parties, dinners, church), and I still feel as though nothing has really changed. I am very aware of the fact that I am too quiet, but I feel foolish when I force myself to talk, laugh or interact in any way. Interacting with others does not come naturally yet, and I’m not sure that it ever will. I feel so comfortable (safe) just listening and observing.
Up until December, I felt that I had made some concrete progress. However, once the social interaction was turned up a few notches, I retreated back into my introverted safe zone. I allowed myself to be led by others and gladly took a more submissive role whenever possible.
There just seems to be such a gap between the theoretical self-improvement aspect and real, honest-to-goodness, social encounters. Even my exposure experiments seemed candy-coated and artificial. Now, it wouldn’t be fair to say that all that effort has produced nothing, as I’ve made some very real, though small, improvements in how I perceive others and how I conduct myself. Though almost unnoticeable, they have improved my quality of life in a very real and positive way. Maybe I’m expecting too much, too soon.
Some days I feel good about my progress and optimistic that I am making a slow, steady recovery from this condition; and other days I feel as though I am up against something so strong that the very idea of change is almost laughable.
The notion of giving up is not one that I am about to entertain; however, I have been wondering how long I’ll have to torture myself before there is any true improvement. Is it possible that such change is beyond my abilities? If my personality and social anxiety disorder are so completely intertwined, will any major change alter the very core of my being and who I am?
4 Responses to “Social anxiety disorder still runs the show”
Hi Drew,
I’m going through the same thing. I had a best friend from 5 to 16 and we ended it bitterly. I only had him as a friend and I never learned how to make new friends. I finished high school and double majored in college, went to England for a semester, ran an online business, and did a master degree. I’m employed FT in a good job, but I’m not happy.
2 years ago, I would not step outside alone and do anything such as running or walking. I was afraid of how people looked at me or that, “Oh, that guy is walking alone, he’s a loser.” A co-worker challenged me to go around for a walk around our lake in town 1 time. I took my puppy with me. I managed to go around, and it has gotten easier ever since. Now I don’t care about anything external and the internal issues melt away. However, that was just one improvement.
My current problem is the way that I am going, I’ll be “that single, rich uncle who never dated and always hangs out with his brother and his girlfriend.” I feel I’m attractive enough and if I can just get over the initial problem of saying hello and starting a conversation, with the right people, I’ll have enough to talk about. I like wine, food, cooking, video games, and international affairs.
I don’t want that life. I like going to bars or pubs, but I just can’t have a good time. I don’t have friends to go with and I have no skills in talking to strangers. I’m afraid to move my head to the music, so forget about karaoke or dancing. I want to do those things, but I’m afraid. And I know that the people I see that night, I’ll never see again or they won’t remember I made a fool of myself at karaoke or dancing, but I still never do it.
I don’t think my social anxiety is very severe - I’m not sure how to rate or rank it, but everyday life for me is ok. I don’t dread regular social situations or have problems doing things alone. But I do have issues with certain social situations like going to parties or bars where everyone seems to be comfortable, having a good time and relaxed. From my perspective, I can’t stop looking around, wondering how people are perceiving me. I can’t seem to have a conversation with someone I don’t know because they can sense the tension in me - it seems to make people want to get away. And all I can think about is that if I could just have a normal conversation with them - outside of the bar or party, I could certainly be entertaining and worthy of their time and attention. I’ve always thought it was the volume of these situations - that you have to yell above the crowd noise and music to be audible. But I don’t think that’s it. In reality, my mind (a normally creative and interesting place), seems to go blank and I have nothing intersting to say. I watch other people - they’re not saying anything interesting, but they are interesting in the way they say it. I wonder why I can’t do that.
The chaos of the situation seems to bother me. I know I have control issues, but could it be that simple? I sometimes think my problems derive from the fact that I am a perfectionist - that I think everything I say or do has to be the right thing for the situation. And that I am above simple chit chat such as “have you read any good books” or “what do you do for a living”. Beyond that, it’s the idea of being trapped in an awkward conversation with someone. If I run out of things to say, what do I do? Right now, it seems so obvious to me - because I am comfortable here at my home, alone on my computer. But when I am in the situation, I panic (internally) and it comes through in my speech, gestures, expressions.
Although I feel very good about myself from a relationship and professional standpoint, I have pretty much given up hope that I will ever be the kind of person that walks up to strangers and makes an immediate connection. I know that I will always be tense at a party or bar where I don’t know many people. The funny thing is, I tend to perceive the majority of the population as not being very intelligent or creative (I know, that’s not a great thing to think). Regardless, that seems to go right out the door when I’m in these situations - it truly feels like the people surrounding me are superior, and that I need to prove my worth to them. I know that is not logical, but I can’t seem to overcome it. And now that I am in my 30’s, I believe I never will.
Since I was a little girl I’ve been shy, but I figured I would outgrow it with time, but now it just seems to be worse than ever. I am 21 years old and I still feel extremely awkward and nervous around most people.
Like one of the previous comments, I too had a best friend from around age 5 to about 16. She was my best friend and while I had her, I didn’t need to make any more friends so I never learned how. But then in high school when she graduated (2 years older than me) and went away to college and left me behind, it threw my whole world out of whack.
I pride myself on being a very mature, responsible person. But instead of this giving me strength, it only makes me back shy away more from people. I am alone way too much of the time because it’s just easier this way. I’ve never been in a relationship and I can’t see one in the near future because I’m never going to approach someone or make the effort to get to know anyone because it’s too hard.
Like the last person said, when I’m around most people my Mind goes completely blank and I have absolutely nothing to say. That is the worst feeling because I’m so aware of my awkwardness and I become more and more stressed and anxious. I just want to be free from all of this anxiety and just be able to carry on normal conversations with people and just live without this constant nervousness and stress.
I was just reading through these posts, and I find myself in a very similar situation to all of you. When I was younger I used to always think I’d outgrow my shyness. But I can’t help but think it’s only gotten worse. Or perhaps I’ve just grown more sick and tired of it. I go through certain phases where I’m very optimistic that I’m growing more comfortable with social situations. I’ll have a day where I am carefree of the thoughts of those around me. But then, that’ll be followed by a day of extreme doubt and self analyzation, which makes me feel like a failure. I wish I had this ability to tackle anything I wish, and I know I should. But so often when I do make the attempt, I end up facing these reoccuring anxieties and inner judgements. Does anybody have any tactics they use that help them through the tough moments. I know that excercise helps me, as well as staying busy. How do you all deal with your togher days?
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