I have social anxiety disorder – who knew?
Five years ago, I had no idea what social anxiety disorder was – well, not officially anyway. I knew that there was something wrong with me – I just didnt know that it had a name and that millions of others suffered in the same way. Today, knowing that I have an official disorder, I dont feel as isolated as I did back then. I feel better about myself knowing that I am not some kind of one-in-a-million freak. In fact, I take great comfort in the fact that I am not alone.
Trudging through life knowing that something was wrong, but not being able to pinpoint it, was painful. Most of the time, I would simply ignore the symptoms and carry on – forcing myself to participate in activities that seemed so natural for everyone else, while being scared out of my wits for no apparent reason. Controlling that level of anxiety was exhausting.
I assumed that this was how I was meant to live my life – scared, panicky, anxious, and low-key. I settled for whatever was given to me, avoiding social interaction, romance, and activities that might lead to any kind of personal achievement. That achievement would most certainly involve being the center of attention, and we couldnt have that. I became an expert at hiding and avoiding potentially painful situations throughout school and later in the corporate world. I allowed people to think the worst of me because I was too afraid to speak up and be myself.
Ironically, I have probably done more to convince people that I truly am a misfit by trying so hard not to be. Looking back, I think I would have rather been thought of as loud, overbearing, and obnoxious instead of mute, boring, and dumb. You see, most people will make assumptions based upon what is presented to them, unless convinced otherwise. In most situations I was not doing myself justice and I allowed some to keep their negative opinions because the alternative (interaction) terrified me.
Throughout it all, I convinced myself that I was perfectly fine. I had a quiet, cool, and mature personality – nothing wrong with that. Well, had others perceived me in that manner, there would have been nothing wrong. The reality was that I was always looked upon as a weird, quiet guy – not cool at all. Deep down, I knew this; I just tried convincing myself otherwise.
The thing I failed to realize was that people are not mind readers. Although I may have had a cool, I dont need anybody attitude, I was the only one who thought so. I cant blame them, however – they were simply judging me on what they saw. What they saw was a quiet, sad, and depressed looking individual – and that was hardly cool.
I wish I had been able to find out about social anxiety disorder years ago. At least Id have known that there was a reason for feeling and acting the way I did. It might have allowed me to come to terms with the person I really was. Yes, I most likely would have been disappointed, but at least I could have dropped the cool charade and concentrated on becoming a little more real.
Today, even though I am much more in tune with who I am and well educated in the area of social anxiety, I find that true change is slow and progress sometimes fleeting.
So, how do I keep my spirits up? Well, in my opinion, two things are needed in order to keep the faith and continue the fight. One, I have come to terms with, and I embrace, the real me. Two, I acknowledge even the smallest improvements as I continued to battle this condition.
Finding out about, and accepting the fact that I suffer from, social anxiety has allowed me to ditch the act and start from scratch – as the real me. Additionally, I have learned to appreciate the small accomplishments Ive made, and the real, though sometimes very slow, progress that is gaining a little momentum as each week passes.
If I could give any advice at this point in time, I would have to say:
Just be yourself and everything else will find its place.
Yes, I know its easier said than done; however, you might just end up surprising yourself.
Hey there Drew! I’m Mabel…I’m 17 ..and boy have I got advice for you! We are sooo much alike! Yet I feel like you’re probably lsoing sight of the big picture, though you may honestly think you can see it pretty well now. I know exactly how you feel and in high school I’ve only been friends with “safe people” but b/c I am really friendly..I was not born not being able to make eye contact and/or smile upon that since elementary school unlike you (I’m sorry about that), but now I’m starting to feel overwhelmed as this whole issue is def. starting to kick in! I’ve lost my ability to make steady eye contact..and if I try my mind “leaves” my body so to speak, and you can tell the other person knows I have left
. Honey, I’ve gotten by to the point I am now b/c of my constant effort to keep my sense of humor alive. I’ve never lost it! I love my sense of humor and will cherish it and nurture it always. I think you should try to integrate yours into everything you do, too. (I can definitely see you have one) It’ll ..surprisingly.. put things in perspective for you! Life isn’t meant to be that serious. I believe it really isn’t. There must be something you’re thinking about too hard when it feels so heavy..especially when you know it all started in your mind!
Kay, so here’s my advice. You should first of all be completely sure that you are not holding back whatsoever when talking online..you should try to go back and edit as little as possible. It doesn’t matter if the idea you just wrote down “sounded” stupid, it was just written by you and you are wonderful as a rule so don’t second-guess that quality! You thought it up, it is great. As it is. It needs no stringent imposing on of rules of perfection. No more. You are to leave it alone and to hell with how people may (or may not) react. You should practice this first of all online, k? It’s much easier to see how you’re trying to “edit” and “re-edit” yourself in this respect.
Ok, so now I believe I will let you in on the secret to your success, you, Drew, who are oh so similar to me. Ready? K. Before you even worry about any of your social anxiety issues or anything that deals with ‘worry and other people’ in the same sentence at all, you need self-esteem. Yes, read that again. That was your mind just know saying “Yeah, self-esteem. I know, I know.” But read it again! There’s something you’ve been missing. You need to develop self-esteem before you can be ready to show people the true and awesome Drew! (that does rhyme, yep:]) You KNOW that you need to appreciate yourself competely before you can expect others to…b/c like you said most ppl don’t take the time to stop for a sec and wonder if there’s more to you than your quiet exterior. . . so that’s right..how can they appreciate you? They can’t see you!
This is how you can appreciate yourself for ALL that you are: Do the things you feel good about and know you are good at. Invest some time in you. THat sounds totally cheesy, but it’s so true. ow much time have you spent wokring on your future in your career? Your future to buy yourself a home, a pet, and all the niceties? Does that sound like a loser to you? Someone who was able to persevere so far as to get themselves their own place and to have all their own stuff? Cool! Independence! Investing your time in self-pity isn’t investing time in you it’s investing time in thinking over and over and over again about what you know you will never be and what you will never get right even if you tried. Look at the future and make your own, independent decisions. Trust yourself! You’re totally capable!…DUH!. Hehe =] ..Look down at the floor, make no eye contact, stutter your words, blush as much as you want, who cares? Make it as awkward as possible, honestly, that person isn’t going to remember by tomorrow. Just TALK and get your message across. You have to make an effort, Drew! Move past your fear! Don’t wait for it to go away by itself…Move past and THROUGH! Courage means taking action when afraid, have Courage! You know you have it! Just do it
It’s ok, once you’ve done it you will feel so much better…b/c you DID IT! omg, you just did it! you went past your fear. Thought you were terrified, you acted anyway, even if you were too paralyzed to even call it an action, you MOVED! you said something! OMG! =) lol. It doesn’t matter. The first step for you is to realize that people don’t matter as long as you’re investing time in what is going to be BEST FOR YOU. Take responsiblity and respect your actions (have trust in yourself that this is the best action for you!) and others will reply accordingly. But for now..forget about everybody….focus on your career and your knowledge, your wisdom, your maturity, and ability to trust yourself and commit yourself without looking back. Once you persevere, you will see how capable you really are and you will appreciate and respect yourself so Much!
Just gonna repeat a little of what I was saying..I wanted to go on about self-pity. Drew, I think, you should honestly stop reading things and listening to things that will make you feel inferiour, things you know other people don’t read! This will only make feel weaker and more in need of help, and less able to help yourself! Also focusing so much on the vey same subjects that are already destroying your mind will only destroy it more! because then there will be no other thoughts in ur mind but those things you just read and are pitying yourself about and trying not to notice. The less you think about noticing the more you will notice! Use your ability to see miniscule details to see what other people aren’t so good at and that you really are good at! And show them. Not by literally showing them, but by showing yourself and in that way showing them (b/c now you’re confident you can). You know this, but I’m gonna re-say it, You first have to show yourself! ..Because you’re the one who currently doesn’t believe it remember? You ain’t just gotta see it to believe it, you’ve gotta feel it, too. Focus on doing things for your realistic advancement (things you know are tangible and accessible through hard, steady work)—forget about everybody else–They’ll be left behind in the mud b/c they lack your motivation! You are now a true survior and you will storm through anything! Something they can’t do. The universe is truly trying to get you out of all this craziness, you just have to respect yourself first and foremost. Do what you gotta do first and foremost and don’t worry what “they’ll” think of you b/c by the time you get to actually worrying you’ll already be far above and ahead of them all. Honestly. Then you’ll see all their insecurities as clear as day and you” see the vulnerable, scared child in them, and act accordingly. (put them in their place b/c they are trying to sabotage you..if they didn’t try to then don’t take advantage, remember you were once that way, too, have utmost compassion!) ..They are no longer even your equals at this point. They are your students!—There to learn from your wisdom and extreme abundance (overflowing!) of life experience. You’ve overcome MAJOR obstacles! You’ve GROWN and CHANGED so much than them! You are now so much more powerful and even better you are not totally aware of this power…and can now use it as you like. Soon enough, when they’re feeling down, they’ll be the ones to come to you. And you will be there to guide them to true self-confidence. Remember that when it’s all said and done, your self-confidence will be completely shatter-proof while theirs will always still be closer to ‘vulnerable human’.
If and When somebody tries to bully, you will now be able to see past their efforst to try to feel superior to you and b/c your ego no longer gona be tipping off-ballance to and for, you will be able to see it form an obective, rationable point of view and will be able to firmly PULL them back into the reality of the matter (that they AREn’t superior to you and that there’s no way they’re even gonna try that, no chance, and that you know exactly where you stand). They’re trying to make fun of you b/c inside this is their deepest fear; That that situation you were in just now could ever happen to them one day. That’s their greatest fear and at that moment you can see it! Did you know that the purpose of humor is to release the tension of the most serious matters about you and/or society which are stored deeply in your subconscious? Jokes about the most serious of things are usually the funniest…that’s why the meanest and most gruesome ones are usually the preffered dish. Now that you are very sure of yourself, your eye for detail is reversed from being completely absorbed in your personal matters, to being completely on the external world where things HAPPen and reality eXISts! Where it should be! ..so that you can be IN the moment.
Aftger you become confident you will be able to take the following advice: Yo need to let go, LET GO! be yourself comepltely w/o giving a damn about anyone else who might give a hoot about it. The mostessential thing to remmeber is this: You need to have developed your confidence first in order to be able to follow through with the previously mentioned (!!). Because if not you will only be telling yourself that you don’t care what they “they” think. After you’ve spent time with all of the amazingness that is youand your abilities, you won’t ever revert to the old way, b/c those people (like bullies) will only be trash to you! And who cares what opinions absolute trash might just have?? Who cares?? =]
..I leave you with that thought. Good night.
[...] Â http://shyandquiet.com/2007/01/04/i-have-social-anxiety-disorder-who-knew/ [...]