Public speaking - my biggest fear
Without question, my biggest fear is, and has always been, [tag]public speaking[/tag]. Certainly, I’m stating the obvious here since it ranks among the top fears of the general population, let alone social anxiety sufferers. However, I doubt that the average person can comprehend the stark terror experienced by a socially phobic person.
In my case, public speaking was actually much more than simple fear; it was a terror so unimaginable that to consider giving a speech or presentation was incomprehensible. It simply would not happen. It was beyond the realm of possibility, and yet, I forced myself to endure this torture on several occasions.
As far back as grade school, I’d been paralyzed with fear at the thought of having to “perform” in public for any reason. I would spend countless hours worrying about upcoming events in which I knew there would be no escape. I would be consumed with so much fear and anxiety that the present would simply pass me by until the ordeal was over. I would miss life, as it was unfolding before my eyes, while my mind was locked in a pattern of obsessive thinking.
The only outward sign that something was bothering me would be a more serious and somewhat distracted demeanor. Yes, distracted described it perfectly. I really became totally disconnected with the present as the day of reckoning drew near. Most times I was so far away from life at that moment that I couldn’t even follow a simple conversation.
Every speech or presentation I have given has been with much apprehension and great personal turmoil. These were not of my free will, and each time I felt as though there were a gun to my head. In fact, nothing less would have persuaded me to partake in such insanity. I reluctantly participated simply because I was given no choice.
When the price of failure is high enough, one simply has no options. I always felt as though I were the metaphorical condemned man being dragged to the gallows. Yes, it was that traumatic.
What possessed me to participate in such madness? Well, being given an ultimatum usually worked. Being told that I needed to complete some mandatory class or seminar usually did it. Mandatory is a pretty powerful word – It does not leave much room for misinterpretation or negotiation.
How did I cope? Well, to be honest, I didn’t. I simply flung myself upon the mercy of the audience and hoped for the best. It was like closing my eyes and crossing a busy freeway, hoping for a miracle.
I couldn’t even introduce myself to a group if it involved more than 5 seconds. If all I had to do was say my name, I was fine. However, stating my name and then talking about myself was not a good thing. I could only last about 1 or 2 breaths before my throat tightened, my voice started shaking, and I started hyperventilating. If all I had to say could be said within those couple of breaths, I was fine – after that, things got bad.
Once the social anxiety cycle started, it was unstoppable. The physical symptoms would start (shaking voice, red face, etc) and this would cause me to get even more nervous because I knew the signs were very visible to my audience. This, in turn, would cause the physical symptoms to intensify, and so on…
A complete breakdown would take place in less than 30 seconds. As you can imagine, the rest would be a train-wreck, and I would spend the next month obsessing about the incident, beating myself up at every possible opportunity.
This “deficiency” caused me much humiliation, grief, embarrassment, and lost opportunity throughout my life.
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