Social anxiety disorder and an overwhelming urge to run
As the instructor proceeded to welcome all of us to the latest company workshop, I was filled with a sense of dread. I figured that the introductions would start in less than 5 minutes. Though I was on the verge of a total meltdown, I couldn’t help but notice the irony in the fact that the company expected us to be grateful that they were spending all this time and money on our professional development.
So, with the niceties out of the way, she turned toward the projector and briefly went through the agenda. The introduction portion was basically a personal introduction to the group. We were given a list of “guidelines” so that we would all be talking about the same thing. Among the topics were: Name, position, tenure, hobbies, and any other personal bit of information we would like to share with the group. The introduction was meant to last around 5 minutes.
5 minutes? There was no way I could last that long. With the physical effects of my [tag]social anxiety[/tag] kicking in, I had about 30 seconds from the time I said the first word. That was 30 seconds of relatively normal behavior – basically, one or two breathes. After that, well, it was anyone’s guess. Suffice it to say; it wasn’t going to be pretty. I wasn’t catastrophizing the situation here; I was basing everything on past experiences.
“Ok, so let’s get started. I’ll go first,” were the next words out of her mouth. She then began to give us her life’s history. The entire story took about 15 minutes because she had a lot to say and was obviously thrilled at the thought of having a captive audience (like we had a choice). This person was an extreme extrovert and loved the sound of her own voice. The performance was flawless and certainly an indication of years of practice.
The next person to speak seemed a little shy. He was a tech person like me and obviously did not have a lot of [tag]public speaking[/tag] experience. He seemed very uncomfortable and it was mildly noticeable. I could see a few of the sales guys rolling their eyes and smirking. I’m sure this guy was giving it his all, and to tell the truth, it really wasn’t that bad. I hoped that I could at least do as well because, while his performance wasn’t great, it was still something that an introvert like me could be proud of.
There were now only 5 people between me and certain humiliation. I felt an unbelievable urge to get up and run – almost a primal instinct to flee a dangerous situation. Every fiber of my being was urging me to get out of that situation by any means necessary. Common sense, however, forced me to stay.
The next 4 people did ok; two were sales types so they breezed through it without a problem. They even made eye contact with people as they told their story. Their training had obviously not been wasted. I was hoping that there might be, at least, one person that took 30 seconds instead of 5 minutes. That would lower the bar for the rest of us.
It wasn’t meant to be, however, as everyone took at least 5 minutes or more. Really, how much do people want to know about virtual strangers? It was excruciatingly boring.
Then the moment of truth came. The woman next to me was just wrapping up and I knew that I would be on in 30 seconds. I started to take deep breaths (taking in more air than I needed) because when I went on, my heart would be pounding and I’d feel as though I couldn’t get enough oxygen. This erratic breathing would be very noticeable to others. Over oxygenating helped, because it took me longer to start experiencing that out-of-breath feeling. My breathing would be more controlled, and my speech, more consistent. It was a short-term fix, however. It wouldn’t last, and eventually I’d be gasping for air as my throat tightened and my voice started shaking.
When the person next to me finished, I heard the instructor say, “Nice to have you here.” She then turned her stare towards me and smiled.
“Hi. Drew is it?”
I managed a weak hello as I struggled to contain the anxiety boiling over inside me. Would I be able to hide that much turmoil?
“Hello, I’m Drew.”
Ok, now only 4 minutes and 55 seconds to go.
One Response to “Social anxiety disorder and an overwhelming urge to run”
Hi. I relate to everything you are writing about. Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of guts to share it this way and I am inspired to do the same.
It does feel good to know I am not completely alone in this struggle and that it is okay that I am different than everyone else. That there may be a way to get through all of this.
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