The public humiliation was over - for now
Things were going downhill fast. I was screwing up, and everyone noticed. My face was now bright red. Not the usual mild [tag]blushing[/tag] that everyone experiences from time to time – oh no, this was a bright, crimson-red, bordering on reddish/purple - probably very freakish looking and undeniably noticeable.
My secret was out. I was totally exposed and there was nothing left to say. They could see me now for what I really was. My insane blushing problem made sure of that. There was no way to stop this, once set in motion. In fact, the more I thought about it, and tried to stop it, the redder it got. I felt [tag]humiliated[/tag] and embarrassed beyond belief.
There were whispers coming from the audience now – inaudible conversation that left things to the imagination. I could just picture what they were saying. Certainly, there was no way I could look at anyone, even if I wanted to – not now that my dirty little secret was out.
My imagination was buzzing as I felt them staring at me. Some would have that little, “we’ve found you out” smirk. Others would be staring in disbelief. And still others would be looking away – feeling my pain and [tag]embarrassment[/tag].
After several minutes of talking about nothing (I don’t even remember what I said), it was over. My last words were, “that’s about all I have to say.” I looked at the instructor and she had this, “what the hell was that?” look. She seemed perplexed and concerned at the same time. She certainly wasn’t smiling as she had done with the other participants.
A few awkward seconds passed before she thanked me and went on to the next person. Everyone knew I had only completed about 2 minutes, but at the same time, no one said anything because it would have been inhumane to prolong that torture. I sat down as I avoided looking at anyone – my face burning with a deep red glow of humiliation.
I was isolated from the rest of the group for the duration of the course. I didn’t mingle with anyone, and no one bothered with me. I was too embarrassed to talk, and they were likely too weirded-out by the whole experience to really know what to say to me.
I didn’t hang around for lunch or breaks – instead, I took a walk by myself for the duration. I was very much an outsider now as I felt relationships building within the class. Everyone seemed to have found their place in the group. I, on the other hand, didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere.
The only good thing about the whole experience was that they did not expect me to take a turn and present anything to the rest of the class. It was like an unspoken agreement. After all, we didn’t want a repeat of that first day – whatever the hell that was.
I was never treated the same at work after that. The rest of my time with that company proved to be very lonely and [tag]depressing[/tag].
2 Responses to “The public humiliation was over - for now”
Hey man, is good to come back to read you. I felt very much indentied, happens exactly the same to me, many times I have felt that way, many social experiences are like that, a nightmare. And still we continue on with life, we make great efforts to do better in life, keep it up man!
You are not alone. I know you feel like you are, but there are many like you. I’m one of them. The world is not a friendly place as we know, but spiritually speaking….I believe a beautiful rainbow awaits us somewhere (very corny, I know). I would never say this out loud to anyone of course because than I’d feel like I’m being judged even more and I really shouldn’t care. This site is awesome and I hope you’re proud of yourself for it. This mindful battle that we are constantly fighting is definately painful…and the people who don’t understand us don’t even realize that they’re a big part of it. Would they even care if they did know about SA? Don’t know. I’m considered an attractive woman but, because of my SA…I’m also looked at as a cold hearted, snobby bitch. It sucks!
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