Work, social anxiety, and a poison personality

My life was miserable as a cubicle dweller in the corporate world. However, in the state I was in back then, any job would have been the same. At the time, I blamed the company for the stressful environment they subjected me to, never looking inward to see if maybe the problem was with me.

Beating myself up day after day, wondering why the whole world was against me and why no one liked me, I struggled as one bad day turned into another. I questioned the logic of having a job and trying to do what was right when all it did was make me feel bad about myself.

There were many mistakes I made back then. Only now can I really see clearly what was happening:

• I was selfish. Yes, that sounds harsh, but back then the only person I was really concerned about was me. I was only worried about my feelings and how mistreated I felt. I never made much effort to get to know anyone.

• I assumed that my behavior was reasonable. It was certainly far from reasonable. Although I might have thought of myself as easy going, quiet, and off the radar (could be worse, I thought), it was most likely taken quite negatively by many. I’m sure some took my anti-social behavior personally, but were diplomatic in not saying anything. I was completely oblivious to this because I was too concerned about how I was being mistreated by others.

• I assumed that everyone hated me and thought negatively towards me. Because I believed this, it started a chain reaction where people would actually start resenting me for real; a self-fulfilling prophecy. This led to more resentment and withdrawal on my part – which lead to resentment on their part…and so on.

I think there could have been a different outcome had I been able to see things from an outsider’s perspective. Social anxiety disorder prevented that, however. I had a very 2 dimensional way of looking at the world back then, and my mind was closed to all other possibilities - classic social anxiety behavior. Now, having said all that, I shouldn’t beat myself up too much over the way I governed myself; after all, I was, and still am, suffering from a real disorder. It’s not like I planned to behave in this manner, or had any choice.

Next, I’ll start talking about how to become disliked in very short order.

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