Exclusion - being shut out by others
In 1999/2000, I had a good paying job and actually owned a home for a few years. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I can still remember incidents from that period in my life like they happened yesterday. Back then, even though I was doing pretty well financially, I was still a full-blown basket-case when it came to dealing with society.
I owned a small home in one of the least expensive suburbs. The homes were classified as starter or retirement (depending upon where you were in life), and consisted of your basic aluminum siding, complete with postage-stamp lots. The homes were so close together that I could almost stand between them and touch both at the same time. Still, the neighborhood was quiet, and the people seemed friendly enough.
During the first few weeks, I managed to talk to several neighbors on the block. This took a tremendous effort, but I was determined to try and turn my life around and start fresh. After all, no one knew me here. They could not judge me yet because it was too soon. I needed to make this work, and for a while, I actually thought I might have pulled it off successfully. I tried to put on a brave front and “appear” friendly and normal to my neighbors. I kept thinking, “They don’t know me - just be cool.”
The charade lasted for a month, at most. Yes, they seemed like decent enough folk, but I eventually lost them. I was fighting a losing battle and slowly slide back to where I belonged: An outcast.
People started avoiding my glance, and the hellos became few and far between. Even if we did say hello, nothing ever came of it – there were no more impromptu conversations over the hedge – there were no more smiles as we passed each other to get the mail – there were no more waves, nods or acknowledgements . Something had changed.
As the months passed, I was acutely aware of the fact that most of the other guys in the neighborhood were kind of chummy – even guys that were new on the block. They knew each other’s first names, and the conversations on the sidewalks were friendly and filled with laughter and good natured banter.
When they saw me in front of my house or on the street, they either ignored me, or just gave a polite hello – sans smile. I tried my best to start up conversations that would hopefully lead to the “good times” they seemed to have with each other, but it was no use. All I would get would be one syllable answers and the feeling that I was being a huge pain in the ass.
I was being intentionally excluded – why? It felt like there was some sort of conspiracy against me and I spent many hours mulling over the reasons.
At first, I thought it might have been the fact that most of them were married and because I was single, I didn’t fit in - but that wasn’t it either. Actually, another single (divorced) guy had just moved in a few doors down and instantly joined the click and never looked back.
What led to this exclusion? It’s not like I intentionally tried to become segregated from the rest of them, it just happened. Or did it?
Even though I did nothing to deserve this treatment, I can see where I made my mistakes. I can now see that it’s not so much what I did, as what I failed to do. Can passive interaction or non-interaction bring this kind of result? You bet it can.
There was a big lesson to be learned from that experience – it’s just a shame I failed to see it at the time.
I’ll explain in the next post…
3 Responses to “Exclusion - being shut out by others”
I’ve lived in my house for 20 years now and only know a few of the neighbours. My new neighbour to the south of me has been here just over a year now. He’s a very nice guy and we chat here and there and get along well. Each time he has a backyard BBQ party he invites me over. I’ve never gone. I’d sort of like to go, but it’s too much for me to handle. I finally felt I had to explain my situation with SA; he handled it well. His wife has anxiety too, although it sounds more like GAD. There are neighbours across the street and up the street who have been here as long as me, yet we’ve never shared even a single conversation. It’s almost like they can sense that I’m not socially fit.
Anyway, I know how you must feel, Drew. I’ve learned to let it go and it never even crosses my mind anymore. My neighbours directly to the north are a wonderful couple and we chat often, and for me that’s about enough. I sort of like that I don’t know a bunch of people on my street because that means I don’t have to make conversation with them.
Take care,
Dave
I’m interested to read your next post. I’m definitely guilty of passive interaction and non-interaction.
When I interact with people, it’s never on my own accord. My role is usually to nod and smile and wait for the conversation to end. I never ask questions because I’m afraid to be asked questions back. I don’t talk to my neighbors by preference, but run into this problem at work…
I just moved to a new city and this is exactly what is happening to me, again. Makes me feel sad that you went through this, but I’m glad that things are now better for you. Thanks for sharing your story, I know that you will help many. I will stay tuned.
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