A social outcast - what else is new?
In my last post I wrote about how awful it can feel to be intentionally isolated from a group for no apparent reason. I don’t know why this bothers me so much; I suppose being rejected by others is the final proof needed to backup my own “paranoid” suspicions. It’s one thing to suspect that I’m a social misfit, but quite another to have it proved in such a manner. Though I was 99% sure that no one wanted me around, there was always that 1% chance that it was all in my head.
Before I get into the mistakes I made and how I inadvertently allowed myself to take that long, lonely slide into social isolation, I want to share another story that is worth mentioning.
While employed with my previous company, I was required to go away on training several times a year. About a year before I quit, I was notified that I would be going to a training facility in Maryland for the duration of one month. This was a brand new course, and I was part of a group that would be represented by people from all over the world. I was one of two Canadians and the most junior person in a group of 32.
The closest analogy I have for this experience is to imagine what the participants of Survivor must feel like when they are forced to merge with total strangers and live together for over a month. Some easily fall into the role and others seem to struggle, despite their best intentions. The social game is played on so many levels in an environment like this.
So there I was, left to my own devices to try and merge with this group. Again, I was able to start with a clean slate. We were all on a level playing field for a few hours anyway. I felt under pressure to try and develop some relationships early in the game before some of the strong personalities pulled ahead of the pack.
It’s not that I wanted to be Mr. Popularity or anything like that; I just didn’t want to become an outcast. The funny thing is that, deep down, I knew I could do nothing to prevent my slide down the social ladder within this group. This was the best it would ever be, and we had only been together for an hour.
You might say that I had conceded defeat before I even started. Going into a situation like that with a negative outlook is about the worst thing I could have done. However, faking it and pretending that everything was great wasn’t the answer either. Self-esteem, confidence, and courage, are impossible to fake.
As the days turned into weeks, I noticed a slow deterioration in relationships between myself and the others. I could see friendships developing and it seemed that everyone was finding their groove. Most of the time, I was not invited to any get-togethers and by the time I realized that most of the class had disappeared, it was too late. Afterwards they would return and simply nod or give me a quick, “hey” just to be civil.
Again, I felt as if I had done nothing wrong. For some reason, they decided to exclude me from everything. True, I hadn’t done anything wrong in the traditional sense, but I did break several fundamental social laws in my dealings with them. As I mentioned before, simply being nice does not always cut it; something more was required.
As the course drew to an end, I was feeling pretty low. Yes, I had accompanied them on a few excursions, but I could feel that things weren’t right. I was definitely being treated differently than everyone else. I was absolutely being excluded, and a few times I even felt a kind of hostility and impatience towards me.
Imagine raising this kind of indifference and *hatred?* in people, simply by doing nothing. Imagine if I had really tried to piss them off.
Next, I’m going to hit on the top ten things I did wrong in both instances.
5 Responses to “A social outcast - what else is new?”
You seem to have a bit of low self-esteem. I’ve found that my low-self esteem would bring on much of what you have written about here.
Have you tried listening to hypnosis cds/mp3s? I’ve found them to be amazingly helpful to my confidence which directly affects my ability to relate to others. I use the self-confidence mp3 from Glenn Harrold, you can find on itunes, amazon, etc. I’ve been listening to it for about a month and it has made a noticable difference.
Hi Dan,
You’ll notice that much of what I write on this blog is related to past events. This was my life a few years back. I’ve come a long way since.
Drew
I can definitely relate to your entire message. I experience this often, and my only conclusion is that my social anxiety comes across as strange or odd, and puts people off. It’s very hurtful to know you’re being rejected and isolated. I wish there was more for me to suggest to offer comfort, but I’m searching for answers as well. I hope you’re feeling better. I understand. Suri
Thanks for posting this. I’ve had similar experiences due to my severe social anxiety.
I’d be interested to learn about what has changed for you over the past few years. You wrote, “I’ve come a long way.” How have things changed for you and what did you do to change them?
Hi. It’s Lindsey, again. I should have read more of your blog before asking about the changes you’ve made and how you’ve made them.
You’re blog is very well-written and filled with excellent insight and advice. Thanks for sharing.
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