10 mistakes I made in the past
My last two entries are typical of the problems I encountered while trying to get along with people (groups) back then. Now, I’d be lying if I said that I have improved a great deal since; however, the gains I have made feel permanent.
What changed? Well, for one, my approach. After having zero success with a direct, “I am defective, therefore I must change” strategy, my approach was to work with what I had, rather than try to change who I was. Of course, that meant working around my social anxiety problems.
So, after spending years beating myself up over the way I handled myself in a group, I decided to make a few changes. Here is a list of 10 mistakes (in my opinion) I made that caused people to avoid me, and ultimately led to my social isolation.
1. Lack of motivation. I had a very nonchalant attitude when it came to meeting new people and making an effort to start and continue conversations. While fear, due to my severe social anxiety, was always a factor, laziness and indifference played a huge role. To be fair, however, it’s hard to get motivated to do something that is perceived to be unpleasant. Bottom line: feeble efforts yield feeble results – end of story.
2. The “let them come to me” attitude. I always assumed that other people should make the first move when it came to social interaction. I was convinced that by initiating conversations, I was somehow giving something away and exposing myself. I felt so much better when people started conversations with me because then I felt that they really considered me “conversation worthy” – and that made me feel better. What I failed to realize is that many others had the same hang-up – they were reluctant to initiate the conversation.
3. Assuming everyone thought negatively of me. This is a biggie because it threw cold water on any efforts I made. I was beaten before I even started. Unfortunately, this is not easily overcome, as any SA sufferer will attest. I have found that the only true way to deal with those internal negative thoughts is by reprogramming the belief system with positive, real-world feedback. The only way to get that feedback is by throwing one’s self out there. Quite a conundrum. I still fight this feeling every time I’m in a social situation. It’s getting a bit better, but I’ve got a long way to go. I must always remind myself that it is ludicrous for people to judge someone they don’t know – I mean, who does that?
4. Nothing to say. You have to bring something to the table when it comes to conversation. Even people that like to hear the sound of their own voice will eventually tire of the one-sided conversation. A rule of thumb here is to know your audience and have something to say. This doesn’t mean that you need to talk incessantly (boring), but a few choice words will go a long way. Don’t feel like talking? Can’t think of anything to say? Think of a common interest you share, comment on some interesting news topic, ask a question, or compliment someone. Don’t worry about where the conversation will end up; live for the moment and you could surprise yourself. After you’re a little more comfortable, take the conversational lead (if only for a moment). Scary? You bet; but this can transform your life.
5. Failure to see what others see. Imagine if you could look at yourself through the eyes of others. It’s so easy to forget that you are projecting an image (whether you want to or not), and people are making assumptions based on what they see. For years, I had a horrible look about me. A combination of anger, depression, and anxiety that said “Stay away” in no uncertain terms. And people did just that. I was unapproachable. The sad thing is that I had an idea that my look was far from ideal, but I simply ignored it. I made no effort to improve it. If I was in a foul mood, then people were going to know it; screw em. The thing is, you can’t fight society’s rules, no matter who you are. If you don’t want to play, then be prepared to suffer the consequences. I have been working on improving my look for a long time. In fact, I would have to say that it’s the biggest contributor to my recent social success.
6. Inability (or unwillingness) to understand others. It takes all kinds to make the world go round. I had a tendency to paint everyone with the same brush. I assumed that no one had problems except me, and that they were all living the highlife at my expense. What the hell was that? It sounds so stupid looking back at how warped my interpretations were. Obviously, we all have problems – even the extroverts. There are a great many people that are just as fragile and unsure as I am. Here is a profound statement: I’m sure my quietness and antisocial behavior was taken the wrong way by most. Instead of projecting a docile, submissive, friendly image, I suspect most assumed that they were not important enough to socialize with. That behavior, along with my mean facial expression, was interpreted in a very negative manner.
7. Failure to realize that it’s a two-way street. You get back what you put out. People will not continue to show kindness and friendliness if they are not given the same in return. Because I could not express myself properly, they returned the same anti-social behavior. Somehow, I always assumed that I was special, and that the fundamental laws of society did not apply to me. I expected to be treated with kindness even though I was not reciprocating in kind.
8. Inability to pass on good vibes. Instead of passing around good vibes, I was passing around negativity. People have enough going on in their lives without having to deal with someone that brings them down. People want to be happy and they will seek out those that make them feel good.
9. Having an “all or nothing” attitude. I needed to have everyone like me, or it was just no good. No middle ground here – like me, or else. Hey, there is not a person alive that is liked by all. Certain personalities don’t go together and that is a fact of life. Confident people are secure enough to not give this a second thought, but for me, I couldn’t handle being disliked because it seemed to reinforce the low opinion I had of myself. If someone didn’t like me, then I was a loser that no one would ever want anything to do with. This still dogs me to this day. It’s something that I need to constantly work on.
10. Failure to step back and give myself a break. I was harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I could not have had a lower opinion of anyone else in this world. That is a stressful way of life my friend. These days, I am kinder and more forgiving to myself – all the while being mindful of the fact that I am but a simple human being, complete with faults - just like every other person on the planet.
10 Responses to “10 mistakes I made in the past”
You should make a list of things that are working for you. Social Anxiety is what it is, because sufferers focus on the negative like i. whats going wrong ii. what i don’t have that they have iii. low self esteem ie. all the negative points about yourself. Good Luck in your quest for improvement…
Shane
http://www.SocialAnxietyWeb.com
I’m on the web tonight looking for info on social anxiety/phobia. I’ve had most of the symptoms since I was a child. I tried therapy and didn’t really get much out of it. I have very bitter feelings about that. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your list of mistakes, because I can identify with all of them. Hard to admit. Thanks for helping me as I work on trying to ‘break the chains’.
Thanks. I’m a sufferer and I thank you for being so open. Your blogs give me lots to ponder. You are doing a great service here. Keep up the good work!
Very good list of 10 items. I can relate to all of them. Gives me something good to think about.
Thank you so much for continuing to articulate your experiences for us. Your well-crafted posts are always helpful for me to better understand the jumble of raw emotions experienced in the course living with SA.
Very Good:-) The initiating conversations one inspired me; I’m going to start starting conversations with people!
very nice blog. i have had social anxiety for 7 yrs, but i am finally beginning to see a lot of progress this yr. if i can do it, i know others can too.
the most impt thing is to always discount the negative thoughts in ur mind and replace them with positive, rational thinking that makes u feel better about yourself. also, in public situations where there is potential for social interactions, dont ever focus internally, always look around your surroundings and make transient eye contact with others, so they feel like u have noticed them. eye contact is the most powerful form of body language, and its unbelievable how differently others view u when u exude confidence and friendliness through eye contact (even when ur anxious inside).
This post has hit home with me in such a big way… I never knew there were others like me out there.
Right now I have this overwhelming feeling of “wow, I have NO friends” - I’m practically tearing up thinking about it, and that’s what prompted me to search for a site discussing SAD. I used to be popular and was often the center of attention, but somewhere along the way I lost my “charisma”. I have had a girlfriend for years - she loves me and I love her, but she’s my only true friend. She’s literally the only person I hang out with, besides one old friend on rare occasion.
The points you’ve made here are especially true to my life at work. I think I’m being friendly to people, and I try to be, but I think that I rub people the wrong way somehow. I’ll start to “buddy up” with someone, and somewhere along the way I blow it. Meanwhile, they’ve moved on and end up bonding with someone else (going to social functions, actually hanging out with them, etc). Part of it comes from not being single, I think - my girlfriend has become part of my comfort zone, and I rarely stray from that.
On the other hand, I often feel like people actually are out to get me. I mean, sometimes I’ll really put myself out there and let the “real me” shine through, and I just get shut down. Something that might cause the rejection is that I’m pretty hyper-critical and hyper-analytical, and I think people can sense that… like I think I’m better than them (sometimes I do - my outlook on life can be pretty skewed, depending on my how I feel). I know that sounds bad, but it’s just something inside me that strongly affects my social encounters. It mainly relates to chit-chat conversation… it seems like the best people can come up with to talk about is bitching about work or how they got drunk the night before. I honestly struggle with shallow conversation, as strange as that seems.
Anyway, I apologize for these scattered thoughts, but I had to get them out somehow. Thanks for letting me vent a bit - I’ll be sure to keep up with your blog from now on.
Hey, wow this 10 things i just read are AMAZING, i always thoug I was shy , but then again i can’t be considered introvert as i fell much better with people than alone, seems i have SA , althoug not that much XD , i had already realized some of thouse things, and I have few (not that few ) but good friends. in fact i only suffered from the moderate SA in high school, but all my friends, (i live in south america and that particualry school was very little) understood me so i managed to get out of the silence stance mod, plus im naturaly a comedian and love make people laugh most of the time (intentionaly , absurd as it may seems i don’t like when people laugh of somethingi don’t know or understand, then again, just as everyone, i must remmeber that !!) so that made me very likely and helped me a lot-
Nonetheless i also , specialy when going to places without someone known like a new class , and not that much right now but alot like 2 years ago , that i thouk was like special , maybe ugly or retarded, you know whats funny that im actually pretty smart XD and not that ugly , neways all that negative thinking took me to a loop of thinking negative of me, i mean seriously if weren’t cus i like making people laugh i would never have returned from the silenced statue i became on early high-school.
However…
im still shy with girls! lol how nerdy XD , most of that stupid thougs of good looking and stuff are still in my head, i barely have female friends and can barely interact (lol that sounds soooo technical and stupid XD ) with “hot chicks” , i know and just re-realized more after reading the article, that as many Salsa songs say : “Each head is a world” and you shouldn’t paint people with the same brush, wich is probably , along with loving and forgiving yourself they key things to destroy this horrible mental “illness” called social anxiety.
also the conversation topic was relaly nice, dumb of me forgot that unlike most girls, good looking ones won’t speak first inmediatly as they are used to be talked first, lol dumb of me, but then again each head is a world, so i shouldn’t take that small rulse very seriously
Wow, that is exactly like me. I had no idea anyone else was as bad as I am. I’m honestly making an effort to stop being so negative, but so far it’s a complete failure. The funny thing is that once I realized that there was something wrong with me, have successfully convinced myself that I am completely fine with being alone for the rest of my life. Now I don’t even want any friends or a boyfriend. One less thing to be miserable about.
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