10 things I do to improve my quality of life
My long-term goal is to overcome social anxiety disorder and start living a normal life.
Well…Duh!
Ok, an overly simplified, but true, statement. It’s just too bad that getting there wasn’t as simple.
The fact of the matter is that I may never reach that “ideal” stage – well, at least not without some kind of personality transplant. It’s always good to have high hopes and even higher goals, but does that automatically make one a failure unless those goals are reached?
My all-or-nothing mindset says yes, however, I’ve learned that it is possible to achieve success without absolutely owning that ultimate goal. I’ve learned to accept small achievements and I can see my life improving in ways that I couldn’t have imagined.
So, until I can say that I’ve “beaten” this thing, I’ll relish my accomplishments along the way. As they say, getting there is half the fun.
Here are 10 things I do to improve my quality of life while I exist (somewhat) harmoniously with social anxiety disorder:
1. I avoid comparing myself with others. This is not as easy as it sounds. For some reason, I always had an overwhelming urge to pick out the best looking, most confident people with winning personalities, and compare myself directly to them. Of course, I’d feel like crap in very short order. This habit has done a great deal of harm in the past and ensured that I would always feel substandard. Nowadays, I force myself to take in everyone at a given social event – not just the pretty people. It’s made me realize that there are a lot more regular Joes, just like myself, and that the beautiful people are a small minority. Could it be that they are more noticeable because they like attracting attention to themselves? Hmm…
2. I force myself to get out of the house every day. Sometimes this is a real battle. I still prefer staying home unless I have a really good reason to leave (like my job). Some days it’s all I can do to get dressed and leave the security of my apartment. However, once I’m in public, it doesn’t seem so bad and I usually end up enjoying the day – it’s that initial, “leaving the house” thing that I have a problem with. Do I need to have a reason to go out? If I don’t, I simply go for a walk and contemplate life.
3. I don’t underestimate the capacity of the human race to do good. I’ve found that, generally, most people are good at heart. Years ago, I was so defensive; I assumed society, as a whole, hated me. In turn, I hated everyone else. It felt like some big conspiracy to keep me in my place and make my life miserable. I painted everyone with the same brush – it was me against them, and there was no middle ground. Had I actually made an effort to talk to people, I would have realized just how warped this way of thinking was.
4. I don’t underestimate the capacity of a few individuals to do evil. Well, evil might be too strong a word, but yes, there are some that will actually take an instant dislike to you. There are some that will go out of their way to make things difficult for you. There are some that will intend to do you harm (physically, and emotionally). Fortunately, such instances are few and far between, and these individuals are a tiny minority. For most of my life, I let these people treat me poorly, and I always wound up feeling horrible about myself (like I had done something wrong). These days, it is very obvious to me that most have self-esteem issues, and the rest – well, lets just say that social anxiety isn’t the only disorder around. Jealousy is a big player here. Think about that the next time you feel mistreated.
5. I am not the center of attention. Though it feels like everyone is preoccupied with everything I do, this exists only in my own mind. I repeat this phrase every morning and several times during the day. The reality is that people are way too preoccupied with themselves to care about how I walk, talk, or present myself.
6. Certain things cannot be changed. My core being, for example. This would include my basic appearance and my root personality. I have my grandfather’s “look” and mannerisms, for example. We are talking about genes here – good luck with changing that. This sucks if SA is proven to be hereditary. On the positive side, improvements can be made by anyone, given enough determination.
7. Appearances are important. Although this appears to contradict number 5 and 6, people do form opinions quickly. Most of us have someone sized up within minutes of meeting them. I never cared about this before. I was stuck in a rut so deep that my appearance simply did not matter. As I achieve more success, I make sure that I am at least presentable.
8. Success is closer than you think. Most times, it’s just that tiny extra step that’s needed to break though. A social situation may seem hopeless until you step out of that comfort zone and push just a touch more than you’re used to. And believe me, all it takes is a small additional effort. I have made a promise to myself that I will say that extra word, smile that extra smile, ask that question, and force those few extra words out even when I feel overwhelmed. I’ve not been disappointed by this. In almost every case, the results have been positive.
9. I have become very self-aware of my tendency to appear quiet and timid. I can now catch myself when I drift back into my own thoughts and clam up in social situations. Once this happens, I’m pretty much beat; the results have never been favorable. So, before it becomes noticeable to others, I will force myself to say something, even if it appears weak, or lame. Of course, I try my best to have something witty to say, but I’ve learned that even saying something dumb is better than not speaking at all. Hey, those are society’s rules; take it or leave it. Again, I have yet to be disappointed by using this technique. I only say enough so that I appear to belong to the group; being a loudmouth is not a desirable trait either.
10. Don’t give up. I don’t have a tenacious personality by nature, however, I have learned through trial and error that anything worth having is not going to be a walk in the park. I try to learn from my mistakes and move on. The only true failure is in never trying, or giving up too soon.
10 Responses to “10 things I do to improve my quality of life”
I find that the very last sentence is the truest of true for people to grasp and take note of.
quote: “The only true failure is in never trying, or giving up too soon.”
I mean everyone, not just the socially anxious, have their own issues to deal with, be it family relationships, friends, health, work, money & debt, car, house, etc. These are issues the typical human being has to go through and nobody is excluded, who is??
SOOO its up to each individual to give it the best effort to survive and thrive in this unforgiving and unfair(as i’m often told) life. Just keep at it, work on your issues, and at the end of the day you’ll be able to say you did your darnest to be a respectable and self-confident person. Nobody can take that away from you.
Yep, thanks for your blog man… All of it provides me with some bearing as related to my anxiety. Much thanks.
Found your blog and have just finished reading every entry. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with the rest of the world. As a fellow social anxiety sufferer, I can relate to almost everything that you’ve written. Your journey gives me hope that one day the tides will indeed turn. Feeling like an alien is an existence that nobody should have to endure. I feel like giving you a huge hug.
Thanks for your posts. It’s encouraging and important to me to read of others working on the social anxiety.
I’m working on mine too and the results are coming, and I am very happy. It’s not the hopeless disorder with no future change I led myself to believe it was for years. That is why I feel it is important positive stuff online is good, there’s all too much inbalance with lots about the suffering it causes and that can feel very discouraging to read that stuff too much.
Good on you!
This website does make me feel a lot better about my own social anxiety. one comment I agreed with a lot, about their being too much negative stuff online about what it does to the sufferer. my SA developed quite recently and I’m not too sure how long its going to last but I’ve learned that being alone can be fun. what I’ve learned so far is that you need to be yourself and gradually I think that confidence comes back.
hiya, just wated to thank you for taking the time to share. The similarities are too many to list. It’s omforting to know that there are others out in the world who go out and put up a valiant fight against SA. It is a great encouragment to read your thoughts and break-through’. Keep up the great work,
Good advice. Makes me want to work on my SA as I have become more withdrawn, especially with people in my religious group. It’s certainly true that if we try, we build confidence and then in turn others see it in us and respect us more and respond well. Another thing, people tend to appreciate when we step outside our comfort zone and take a personal interest in them.
What a great article! I applaud you for helping to educate and inform the public. People suffer only because they do not know how NOT too. When we educate ourselves and learn the proper skills, we begin to experience life as it was meant to be. Most people who suffer from anxiety and stress don’t know any other way to live. They don’t have the skills to spot their triggers and then stop the cycle of preprogrammed “knee-jerk” reactions to real life situations. When you learn the right set of skills like the one’s I teach in my blogs, you then begin to see real changes in you and in the quality of your life.
“http://attackanxiety.blogspot.com/”
Again, education is the key. Without it, how you live right now is the best it will ever be. Oh and by the way… Anxiety never gets better on it’s own. It will only get worse. So invest in your own well being and learn the right skills that will allow you to better manage your stress, panic, depression and anxiety. All of those words actually mean the very same thing because they are all “Fear based”.
Again, I thank you for such a great blog. Keep up the good work. You are helping many to understand.
All the best,
Steven Diamond
Founder of AttackAnxiety.Com
Well, I found your website by accident while on google (trying to find an answer for why I am the way I am - painfully shy, quiet, unmotivated, intimidated, never good enough) and am amazed that there are other people out there who feel the same way I do.
Now I have a name for it - social anxiety.
My anxiety has recently manifest itself into a physical symptom, and I’ve been suffering from chronic indegestion and the feeling of a really hard lump on my solar plexus and shortness of breath. Doctors can find nothing wrong, but it has plagued me for over a year, and I know it is my anxiety.
In trying to cure that with diet - I have also managed to lessen some of the SA symptoms! By alkalizing my diet, and eating really healthy, clean food (cutting out anything processed) I feel loads better!
Have you tried altering your diet yourself with any success?
Just a thought.
Thanks for the website, by the way. I will continue to read all the posts. It has helped me no end! And, I think you write really well too!
Take care,
Star
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your information. I started searching google and other sources, knowing there was something a bit off about the way I was feeling.
You hit a chord. I’ve read the blog and have long suspected I have had SAD.
The feelings are indeed horrible, limit you in ways no one truly understands.
Social situations for me are nerve wracking. I recently had to attend an office party with my husband and found myself procrastinating and making excuses not to go. What is worse when I do attend I feel as if everyone senses my nervousness which in turn makes me more self conscious.
I had gone for help but found the individual did not get it at all, any suggestions?
I have just found this blog. I want to thank you very much for writing this! This feels like the 10 commandments for SA sufferers! I am going to constantly remind myself of these things every day until they become imbeded in my brain! Thanks again!
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