The journey is its own reward
There is an old saying about how it’s not the destination that matters, but the journey along the way. No truer words have ever been spoken, in my opinion.
I’ve spent a good part of my life wishing things were different. Always feeling inadequate in some way – always needing to change something – never being happy in my current situation – never appreciating the positive things I already had – unable to feel satisfied with living in the moment. In fact, I couldn’t have cared less about where I was; I just knew that I needed to be somewhere else.
Even when things were going well and I was making progress towards my goals, I could never stop, smell the roses, and appreciate where I was at the time. As long as others were better looking, more talented, personable, smarter, and richer than I was, I felt inadequate. Even if I were able to “fix” all my deficiencies, would I then be able to sit back and really enjoy life? - Unlikely. Why? Because there would always be someone better in some way, and I would always hate the fact that I couldn’t have that.
There is a lot to be said for being comfortable in one’s skin – and I certainly was not. It’s not that I was so far out of whack with the rest of society. I was average, and that’s all there was to it. However, my low self-esteem and social anxiety problem warped things to the extent that I was certain I was way below par on all levels.
Obviously, it’s not realistic to expect (or strive) to be perfect in all areas. Actually, in my quest for perfection, I developed a very distasteful personality - A personality where I needed to prove myself to others – to satisfy my need to be superior. Well, not only is this a futile endeavor, it also showed my low self-esteem and lack of confidence to the world. This, in turn, further isolated me from society – the exact opposite of what I wanted. As far as others were concerned, I was a snobbish, self-serving, petty, a-hole.
So there I was, wondering why people avoided me. Couldn’t they understand how debilitating social anxiety was? Why were they being so mean? Where was their compassion?
Hey, people aren’t mind readers. It’s impossible for them to know what’s going on behind the scenes. They are simply reacting to the information available. I’ve often wished that I could simply let everyone know that I am an SA sufferer and to please take it easy on me. Like that sign on a beginner driver vehicle - asking everyone for a little more consideration. “Yes, I may come off as a bit of an ass, but that’s because I’m fragile and I lack self-esteem – nothing personal, I just don’t know how to handle society.”
When it’s all said and done; I have basically wished my life away, never being satisfied with what I had – always pissed off with myself because of who I had become and who I had not. I’m entering the last half of my thirties as we speak, and if there is one bit of advice I can give, it’s that you can waste a lifetime beating yourself up because you don’t measure up to some pre-conceived standard you’ve set. All the while, life marches on and you miss most of what it’s really all about.
These days, I am training my mind to stop comparing what I have, to what others have. Ironically, this has enabled me to see the true nature of some people and that what you see is not always accurate. In fact, the only talent some people have is the ability to project a false image. What if they truly possess many talents and are somehow better than me? Well the term “better” is very relative. It doesn’t mean squat when it comes to my enjoyment of life. More power to them - I am learning to become comfortable with who I am and what makes me happy.
Besides, I’ve come to the conclusion that one person alone cannot possess every desirable human trait. No one is perfect, and many excel only in very specific areas.
My goal is to try to find peace with myself; and if I eventually discover my hidden talents - fantastic. If I don’t, well it’s not the end of the world – the journey is the reward.
7 Responses to “The journey is its own reward”
Beautifully said. I couldn’t agree more. Very touching.
Good luck!
Hello …
I agree that Journey is its own reward.
Finding peace with oneself is also very important.
I believe -
We are what we are and no one can be what we are…
Like I say in my poem
Worthlessness
Worthlessness
Creeps in without knocking
Swallowing every bit
Of self confidence
Throwing it in the dungeons
Of guilt and fear
Wake up
It’s not yet late
Fight it with the light of wisdom
Only you can judge
How worthy you are
And what it takes to be ‘you’
GBU
Arti
You’ve spoken many things I think but am afraid to say out loud. Great blog, and thank you for sharing your struggles with social anxiety. I am fighting it and think i’ve made progress, but it’s an on-going battle! Best to you.
Just wanted to say that I love your blog. I found it yesterday and can relate to most of what you say. I’ve read most of your posts and you sound like a very interesting, articulate person. You’ve clearly researched this issue as in depth as you can and it sounds as though it’s really helping.
Your recent posts sound very positive and self aware and I wish you well.
Sounds like you’re on the right path, Drew. Keep up the good work. Life’s too short to waste on worrying about what others think or have.
Dave
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and it’s very motivating. While my social anxiety isn’t as acute, I can relate to many of your posts. I’ve always been a bit more withdrawn compared to my peers, and it’s caused me some problems in the past.
But the worst thing to do is to give up. Keep plugging away and I hope you continue tracking your journey here.
JT
This is an excellent “diary” to stumble upon. It really does help. I’m wondering, though, about this perception of yourself as average. I mean, this blog has turned into a pretty extensive project. Perhaps you address this somewhere else–I haven’t read much yet–but do you think perfectionism is part of what causes the anxiety, and is there a way to shut that off? I would be curious to know what you think. Also, do you think your problem could be related to narcissism? I know most people with NPD are overbearing, but some are shy and quiet. And one more nosy question–I went to a social event the other day and wanted to shoot myself because I couldn’t talk enough to make a good impression on these attractive cool people. Is that social anxiety? That happens a fair amount. The people were no better than me, but they maybe looked a little more put together and talked a good game. The women were skinnier, for instance. These types of attributes are not what I care about, but seem to give some people an edge socially and for some reason I let people like this intimidate me. This must be a common problem I would think. What do you say to yourself in a situation like that to get out of your anxious reaction?
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