Conversation
Conversation, or rather, the art of conversation, is a very big deal when it comes to connecting with others and functioning in social circles. If you are unable to communicate with others effectively, you simply get left behind.
Growing up, suffering from acute social anxiety, the art of conversation was not something that I thought about much. I suppose, in my mind, it was so far out of reach that I simply made no attempt at it – it seemed to be something everyone else was good at, and I accepted my fate. In fact, it was everything I could do just to maintain my shy, quiet, and mute social presence as it was.
I feared conversation and had long since resigned myself to the fact that I’d never master this skill in any form. Anytime I did get up enough nerve to take part in a conversation, I felt out of place and phony. I felt as though everyone knew this was not the real me and were having a good chuckle over it.
Needless to say, at 36 years old, I still have the conversational skills of a child. Without any real-world experience, this skill withered and died – it sat there, undeveloped, unused, and forgotten.
It’s a known fact that conversation skills (along with many other social skills) start developing at a very young age. From the time we start interacting with other children, conversation and social skills play an integral part in the development of confidence, self-esteem, and social acceptance – each new experience building on the previous.
So now I have to ask the big question: Have I missed the boat? Is it too late to hope for an average level of conversational skill? No, I think it’s still an achievable goal. I still believe I can salvage something at this late stage. I’m convinced that with enough effort, I should be able to “catch up” to everyone else at some point.
Ok, now having said all that, the thought of engaging in conversation still scares the life out of me. For a social anxiety sufferer, it still ranks among the most fearful tasks to undertake. It is so much more difficult than anything else I’ve tackled in the two years thus far. To me, conversational skills are advanced techniques that should only be attempted after one has worked on, and come to terms with, such things as confidence and self-esteem.
While it’s true that I’ve made some progress in these areas, the act of carrying on a conversation with an individual or a group seems overwhelming – I feel inadequate and ill-prepared. Am I ready to mix it up with others, or should I continue to work on my self-esteem and confidence while avoiding the conversation aspect?
The truth is that I’ve actually started working on my conversational skills on a small scale. The feedback has all been positive so far; partially due to the fact that I’ve started small. In fact, conversation techniques need not be attempted on an advanced level. There are many ways to gradually ease into a low-risk, low-profile conversation.
The question now is whether those efforts are enough to build on and bring positive results, or do I really have to step it up a notch.
By the way, I’m going to be yammering on about the art of conversation for a few posts.
6 Responses to “Conversation”
I’m working on this at the moment as well.
What I am trying to do is:
Focus on the other person, not myself, ask questions, make them feel interesting…
Learn to politely disengage from people that I actually don’t find interesting.
Hi. My name is Brian and I’m a former low self-esteem, conversationally akward and socially anxious person.
I also felt like I had poor social or conversational skills. This is why I was constantly searching for conversation books or clubs (Toastmasters) in an attempt to “develop” my skills to “average” levels.
But here is what I discovered. As long as you have social anxiety, you will NEVER be able to hold a conversation without those feelings of fakeness butting in causing you to exist outside the conversation.
The truth is that you HAVE the conversation skills in you. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS OF A CHILD. This is BS. You are convincing yourself of this because you are anable to overcome your “unconscious” mental block (social anxiety).
Have you ever had a time or event in your life when you were full of social energy, where you could talk to anyone with ease, where you WANTED to coninue the conversation even when it was over, where the RIGHT things to say just popped out of your mouth without thinking twice? I’m sure if you dig deep enough, you’ve done it. The person during this “time” is still in you and can be recalled at any moment. The person who just is “themselvss” and says whatever he wants without thikning twice and without apologizing for it.
You must stop thinking of what to say. You must TRUST yourself to say the right things. You must be yourself. You must INDULGE in SOCIAL ENERGY and once you have it, you must ride the wave and NOT let go. You must teach yourself to overcome ANY FORM of perceived rejection and continue to build your social energy and confidence. You should learn positive thinking skills. EVERYDAY look at yourself in the mirror and say: I AM ____ (everything positive you can think of) and repeat. TRY YOUR BEST TO BELIEVE IT. When faced with fear, rejection and anxiety, REPEAT THESE WORDS, until you can TRAIN yourself to BE POSITIVE AT ALL TIMES.
It is all about social energy. You need to gain it. Go talk to someone safe and collect as much as you can. Get them to laugh, cry and agree with you. Build it up. Social situations are about riding the social energy or vibe. Just like a wave, you are either riding on front or drowning behind! Therefore, you must not THINK before you say. You must say what your instinct is to keep up with the wave. TRUST YOUR UNCONSCIOUS MIND TO SAY THE RIGHT THINGS. BE ENTHUSIASTIC AND SAY THE FIRST THING ON YOUR MIND. HUMOR HUMOR HUMOR AND STORYTELLING. Those are the keys to being a social butterfly.
Do WHATEVER possible to love yourself. Think of yourself as ABOVE other people. Nicer, sweeter and more deserving. YOU DESERVE to be happy!
You must love yourself for others to love you. It is time to do what ever it takes to build self-esteem and self-confidence. NO ONE CARES IF YOU SAY SOMETHING STUPID, IF YOU DON’T CARE.
Anyways, see how I got so worked up? I’m just so passionate about what I’m talking about. I hope this helps you out.
Feel free to e-mail me if you are interested in more discussion. =)
Very good advice. I’m working on it.
Feel free to browse my blog. I have written many entries related to exactly what you are talking about. It’s a tough road to be sure.
Thanks
Good advice. I personally think it wouldn’t be a bad idea to take a public speaking course. Public speaking is a skill that develops over time, and it’s something that needs to be practiced.
Your blog has been really helpful for me Drew! I think it’s really important for people who share our perspective to support each other as much as possible. I was in a depression not too long ago and I have to say that reading your blog has undoubtably aided my mental recovery. Thanks for candidly sharing your experiences with us! Let me know if there is anything you’d like to discuss,
Look what you have is lack fo self-confidence b/c of never asserting your will. Nobody gets real confidence until they learn to do that. You have been complying with the will of other people mostly all of this time, and all you need to do is realize what you’re doing, and say ok all I need to do is assert my will then b/c it’s jsut as good as everybody elses. I am Equal to them. They are just like you..really. It’s just they’ve had wayyy more practice, and you need to give yourself total credit, because from my perspective I don’t see that you are different from anybody! You just need to assert your will. That’s all. Realize that your will is just as good as ANyone else’s..seriously. It is. This is all you need practice with nothing else, ok? Once you assert your will, and you realize that you’ve just been too complacent with following along with other people’s wills, you will realize that it’s all totally good, because everything stops being a threat. Why? Cuz you know you don’t HaVe to follow along with it if you don’t WaNT to. And another thing..your environment hasn’t been influential enough to encourage you to express your will and ..you know what i mean? That’s why you’ve developed a negative outlook. But look, everyone is friendly, everyone needs a friend–human loneliness is in all of us and we need someone. All of us. It’s ok to be human, and forgive yourself for being human and love every bit of your perfectly normal fears and insecurities. Don’t think that other people are too different! They’re totally not, they just seem that way, really, but only because they’ve had more practice asserting their will–and having it get a positive effect. AnYNONE would’ve shrunk up into a little corner if their environment had not helped them evolve their growth as an individual with a will and with personal power to change things around them. Just remember–Stop thinking about the other person, because you are assserting your will now. If you decide to follow along witht he other person, it’s because you WANt to do exactly that at that moment, wanting to means you’d rather not be doing Anyything else lol remember! If you feel like doing something ELSE–just do it
That’s all. Awesomeness. Aight, luck homie. May the inner peace and wisdomness be with you (it totally is–you’re really wise from what I see!)-Mabel
Leave a Reply