Initiating conversation - Pt 2 - moving on
Initiating conversation with total strangers is risky. There is no way you can cover all the variables. In my case, I tend to maintain cautious optimism until I’m certain I’ve figured someone out - keeping the conversation light and my escape route easy. If the individual turns out to be someone I hadn’t counted on, I politely excuse myself – no harm done. The worst that could happen here is mild embarrassment.
And yes, I have misjudged others in the past.
A few minutes of superficial niceties is usually enough to confirm that I made a good choice, or a mistake. It’s not that any of these people are inherently wicked; it’s just that they are not compatible with my personality type – bad chemistry – end of story – lets move on.
Now, one thing that I have learned to do is back out of a bad situation gracefully. In the past, I have struggled and endured forced conversations because I was afraid of ending things early and hurting people’s feelings. Not once did I ever stop to think of myself. I didn’t think of how the other person treated me, only how I must have appeared to them. Who cares?
Why would I care about how I presented myself to someone that talked down to me? Why would I sit there and be disrespected by someone that could care less about me as a person? Why would I endure hostile, snobbish, and elitist smartass comments that were not all that cleverly disguised as civilized conversation?
Yet, this is exactly how I behaved for my entire life. In fact, I put up with this because of my low self-esteem. I allowed people to treat me like something they wanted to scrape off their shoe because I was afraid to stand up for myself and leave. I suppose that in some bizarre way I considered the act of finishing the conversation prematurely a complete failure.
These days, I don’t think twice about ending a conversation early. If I pick up bad vibes, I end it quickly, yet in a civilized and mature way.
I should mention that I also use these techniques to escape inconsiderate people that love to corner quiet people (like me) and talk on incessantly. I seem to attract those individuals. I suppose it’s because I’m regarded as submissive. Most people have enough back-bone to excuse themselves when enough becomes enough.
Breaking free from the first type of personality (aggressive, arrogant, and snobbish) is easy. Because I’ve not yet committed to a real conversation anyway, it’s easy to simply say:
“Well, enjoy the party.”
“Could you excuse me for a moment?” (No reason is needed here)
“Would you happen to know where the washroom is?”
To escape from someone who has corned me for the long haul, I use the above lines (though the first one isn’t powerful enough if the conversation has been going on for some time) along with a few others:
“Oh, there’s *whoever*, could you excuse me for a minute?”
“I’m going to head to the bar for a minute.”
There is no need to share too much information here. It is also unnecessary to outright lie. After all, I have the right to come and go as I please without having to justify myself. This is a self-esteem issue.
I try not to lie (lets just call it a fib), but I also refuse to be stuck somewhere I don’t want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being snobbish here, it’s just that a single conversation with one individual for hours at a party is a little weird – not to mention, it gets a little monotonous.
So, there you have it - two extreme ends of the scale; both having the same solution.
I used to feel compelled to wait until the other person decided that they’d had enough of me, and that the conversation should end. These days, I am able to do what’s best for me without feeling guilty – again, it’s all to do with self-esteem. I am comfortable and confident enough to take action, even though it may be unpleasant.
Actually, it isn’t even all that unpleasant. The effects of having to excuse myself from a conversation have been blown out of proportion in my own mind – in fact it’s been my experience that people don’t give it a second thought. They carry on as if it were no big deal at all. Fear of disappointing others is all linked to my low self-esteem and the fact that I need everyone to like me.
I am so glad that I’m getting over this. Self-respect, self-esteem, confidence – Ah… there is nothing like it.
One Response to “Initiating conversation - Pt 2 - moving on”
Great to see this perticular topic brought up. I have experienced the same evil too many times to not respond with my own findings.
I googled to find a site where normal people also discuss this predicament. It is very common for people wanting to please the “opponent”.
http://london.fridaycities.com/knowledge/anonymous/conversations/53172
Here are some points to emphesize:
1. Firstly – let them talk. Don’t contribute to the conversation, let them talk themselves out, and just smile when the silence comes, eventually they’ll get the hint. And politely excuse themselves. The onus will be on them to end it, and then they’re wont be this awkwardness from your part. It’s a bit like looking at your watch when you want to finish a meeting. It’s a little obvious, but people realise you could have been really rude and get the hint without taking offence
2. Secondly – dull people don’t realise they’re dull or when they’ve finished so the rational stuff doesn’t work. Popular psycology would dictate that they’re talking to you for some kind of social validation and acceptance, so you need to let them know they’ve got this, and then they should at least register they’ve got something out of it. Repeat the last 3-4 words of each point they make so it seems like you’ve taken on board what they were saying. Again, don’t contribute. Eventually they will dry up.
3. It’s a bit evil, but give them to someone else. Pick up on something they say, and try to relate it to someone you know saying ‘there’s someone I really want you to meet’. Introduce them to ‘x’ with the opening line that they have something in common (they both like corned beef/ferret racing/piston helicopters, etc, etc), stay until 10-20 seconds after the two have started conversing, and excuse yourself.
Number 1 is kind of “bulls eye” to me. I can clearly visualize the “opponent” getting frustrated and stopping.
There by also saying, that I tend to keep the conversation going by continue asking all of those clever things that just turns the others excitement up a noch each time :s
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