Conversation - getting out there
Ok, so now that my approach image was getting better (i.e. I could smile and make eye contact - with a huge amount of effort, mind you), I decided to step up my conversation exposure. There was one small problem though: I had very few opportunities to get out and mingle with people. After all, it’s not like I had a huge social network. At best, I had 2 friends and a few work acquaintances. Well, I did have my family, but they were a little too familiar. Uninhibited conversation came easy with them. I needed more of a challenge.
For the longest time, I used this as an excuse.
“After all, how could I practice conversation if I had no opportunities?”
While it was true that I had very few friends, I look back now and realize that I was simply making excuses not to get out. I didn’t need a huge social circle; one person would do.
The reality was that I needed to make my own opportunity. I had to decide not to be afraid and welcome chances as they presented themselves. I took stock of just how many times I could have said something to an acquaintance (or even a stranger), but chickened out because I was afraid of being rejected, ridiculed, or made a fool of. Yes, the opportunity was there, I just needed to open my eyes.
These days, I see opportunity all around me. From people in line at the checkout, to the grocery store cashier, to my hairstylist, to my co-workers; these are all legitimate opportunities. The list is endless, and is only limited by how much anxiety I feel at that particular time. Many times, I chicken out and beat myself up later for not taking a chance.
That being said, I do find myself acting a little braver these days. Certainly more brave than I have ever been in my life. This is real – I can feel myself improving as the months go by.
There are two things I do now that have made all the difference in the world:
One - I push myself just slightly beyond what I used to feel comfortable doing. Without this, nothing would have happened – no conversation would have ever taken place – no connection would have ever been made. Again, this extra effort is very small – just a nudge past comfort.
Two - I feed myself every last drop of positive feedback from each encounter, while rationalizing, then dismissing, the negative parts. Positive feedback goes to reinforce my positive beliefs, and negative feedback is processed in a more realistic and non-personal way, then forgotten. I also try to extract any lesson to be learned – good or bad.
It’s so easy to fall into a self-pity/depression trap – a friendless, lonely world of scarcity. I now realize that you get out of this world what you put in – and having a solid social network is no different.
I remember a general self-help tape series I listened to over and over that kept reinforcing the following message:
“Get out, and make something happen. Only you can do this.”
Sounds simple, but this was probably the biggest hurdle I had to get over. I was so content in my own apartment. I suffered every time I left; so tearing myself away from that comfy lair was not easy.
I always seemed to migrate towards immediate gratification or pleasure; while avoiding the *seemingly* unpleasant.
It never occurred to me that I was missing out on the essence of life – that all the good times were happening outside of the apartment.
Yes, security and familiarity has a steep price indeed.
4 Responses to “Conversation - getting out there”
Hey Drew! I’m really glad that you are spearheading the practicing of conversation. As I said before, I’ve done alot of thinking and observing on this topic, so here are a couple things I picked that might help you practice.
There are 5 conversation tools:
1. Interesting or relevant idea/facts.
Tell them something interesting or ask questions about them that interest you. Be careful not to be thinking of these questions while you talk. They must come out naturally out of curiousity. Avoid making it seem like an interview.
2. Stories about yourself or people. People LOVE to talk about people. This is the essense of small talk. Share your perspective or thinking this way. This is a big one that took me a little time to understand. Whenever someone tells a story or brings up an idea that you can link to a story of your experiences or another’s, tell it in story form. “Oh that brings be back to when this happened”…
The structure of your story should include an introduction, development and finally “punchline” or point at the very end. You should also include just the right amount of relevant details and “conversaion” in the story. “So I said ‘this’ and he was like ‘that’ and i was like ‘wtf’” etc.
3. Humor and Sarcasm are powerful filler tools. Stories can be funny. Or you can crack a joke. Make sure if you use sarcasm to make it obvious that you’re joking.
4. Social vibing. This is the idea that if you want to vibe with someone, you want to be “agreeable.” This dosen’t mean that you suck up to the person or go overboard. It just means that you try to “relate” to them by agreeing with their ideas and showing that you also feel/see that way. It’s in the attitude. Laugh when they laugh. Relate their ideas back to your own life. Ex: “Hey dosen’t that building look amazing?” “yeah it’s awesome dude”
Ex2: “How do you like my dress” “gorgeous!”
5. Body Language is really important! Try to practice smiling, laughing, using your hands, standing confidently, looking around, appearing comfortable etc in a conversationally correct and active manner. This helps the other person feel comfortable talking to you. This will take alot of practice to develop, especially if you are not naturally “feeling” comfortable.
6. CONFIDENCE and thinking OUTWARD! Don’t you ever second guess anything you say. The first thing you think of IS THE RIGHT THING TO SAY. Don’t you EVER think about the other person judging you. Go with the FLOW! Keep the conversation OUT THERE on them and don’t let your mind drift inward! Try your best until you can KEEP things on the outside and flowing..
People with excellent social skills have MASTERED all these tools. You cannot just use one or two. All must use ALL in an integrated way to have a great conversation. You should be switching back and forth between them as the conversation dictates. Once you get good, you will do it automatically and you will be able to hold conversations for hours without even thinking twice.
Good luck!
Oh another humor thing: Make up hypothetical funny situations. What if “…” happened.. “hahaha that would hilarious.”
Also, after each one of his statements, you should look for “hooks” to use one of the tools.
Yes, security and familiarity has a steep price indeed.
Well said
Too much of that, and you find yourself in your own bubble
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