Conversation - ditching the perfectionist trait
Perfectionism has always been a strong personality trait of mine. This is not necessarily a good thing. Yes, it is very commendable to try and perform to the best of one’s ability, but when it turns into an unhealthy obsession; it’s time to seriously weigh the benefits.
The need to perform every task flawlessly, and well beyond what is considered normal, is closely linked to my social anxiety. In short, anything less than perfection is considered failure – failure is avoided at all costs because it robs me of my self-esteem and makes me feel horrible. Anything less than perfection is considered failure – there is no grey area here. My low self-esteem will not allow me to accept defeat, or even partial success. It is black or white - success or failure – one or the other – but never a compromise.
Interestingly enough, those with thicker skins and higher self-esteem (of which I am hoping to become) are indifferent to partial success or even outright failure. They do not let one bad incident define their self-worth. They are able to get on with it - and at the end of the day, take pride in the fact that, while they may not have achieved perfection, they did try their best and were able to accomplish something.
As I continue to work on my conversation skills, I am always mindful of my perfectionist tendencies. Unless I absolutely perform flawlessly and leave them craving more (never really happens), I consider the whole experience a failure. This kind of pressure is unbelievably stressful for a guy that barely has any social experience to begin with.
I have to realize that very few, if any, conversations go perfectly. There is always going to be that awkward silence or slip-up. The right words at the right time will rarely materialize on cue. Perfect chemistry with others is also, more or less, a crap shoot. You just never know what you’re going to get. No one is flawless - accepting that there will be mistakes will take the pressure off. The big stumbling block right now is that I absolutely feel the need to perform flawlessly.
I must allow myself the freedom to screw up without making a federal case out of it. I need to be able to stutter, say something dumb, be politically incorrect, stumble, risk being boring, risk being too chatty, forget what I was going to say, excuse myself from a disastrous conversation, and accept that people will also excuse themselves (though not necessarily because of me).
It’s not the end of the world. It is, in fact, perfectly normal human behaviour and no one is going to think any less of me.
Convincing myself of that fact is another matter.
Truly believing that being perfect is not necessary for outstanding success is the hard part.
4 Responses to “Conversation - ditching the perfectionist trait”
Your writing is so articulate and insightful. Sometimes I wonder if you are actually a therapist posing as someone with SA, in order to help those of us who have it. I relate to so much of what you say and look forward to reading more. Thank you for doing this.
Susan
I’ve had SA since I was 7, so I hear what you are saying (I’m 23 now). I’ve just started Exposure Therapy 10 months ago, and it really is so hard to pat yourself on the back when you know you’ve done something truly remarkable for yourself (such as getting up the nerve to talk to others).
Kudos to you for getting out there and trying to move yourself forward. That is very courageous. And thank you for this blog - it is extremely wonderful to read about someone else moving through this as I do.
I suffer from paralysis of analysis. I think too much. I used to be so bad that even small things like leaving my turn signal on too long while driving would bother me. I’d would think that all the drivers around me now think I’m a total idiot for leaving my blinker on a fraction of second too long. One time, someone gave me the middle finger while driving because I was driving the speed limit on the highway. This bothered me for over a week! I kept trying to figure out what I had done wrong.
It’s unfair that I let total strangers decide how I feel, especially over such small things. I’ve got to stop that.
Also, on the rare occasion when I do have a success, I ignore the 99% that went right, and get depressed over the 1% that did not. I go over the situation over and over in my head thinking of ways that I could have done better. I need to stop that too.
Why can’t I just LIVE? Why must I analyze every word, every gesture, every outcome before and after I do something?!?! I need to stop that also.
Yeah I can totally relate to what you’re saying. The reason I can’t start conversations with people is because I always think I’m going to mess up my words or won’t know what to say and the conversation will just end in that awkward silence. I also think my voice sounds weird and I talk weird in general…even though I never had such comments from anyone.
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