Conversation - letting go
As I already mentioned, my inability to communicate effectively with others in conversation is (was), in many ways, tied to my perfectionist traits. After analyzing my deepest fears, I eventually came to the conclusion that I could not tolerate partial success. I could not handle being a mediocre anything.
Any conversation or social interaction had to be perfect. I needed to be seen, and thought of, as perfect. What the hell was that all about?
Of course, this was all down to my low self-esteem. Without self-esteem, I found it difficult to handle the less than perfect moments in life. As far as conversation was concerned, I had to be right on my game – saying the right things, being witty, and never allowing a silent, awkward moment to ruin the whole thing.
This resulted in a less than favorable outward appearance. I was either quiet and depressed looking – afraid to make a move - or I was serious and anxious, as I gathered up the courage to socialize with others. Either way, I certainly was not very friendly looking. Is it any wonder that people always seemed hesitant to fully engage me in real conversation? I felt excluded from all but the most idle, superficial chit-chat. My encounters were limited to: “What do you think of that weather?”
Obviously, by increasing my self-esteem, I would find conversation easier. However, conversation and general social interaction were needed to make any progress in the area of self-esteem. You cannot simply “think” your way to self-esteem – it takes real-world practice and feedback to re-program your core beliefs.
It was at this point that I realized I had to dig in and make a start somewhere - even if it was uncomfortable and unfamiliar – In short, I had to let go.
Ok, so letting go for me meant that I’d simply have to ignore that powerful inner voice and trust that things would be ok. I would have to accept the good, the bad, and the mediocre. I would have to be prepared to fail, or at least accept far less than perfection. What did I have to lose, anyway? It’s not like anyone would lose respect for me – You need to have something in order to lose it, right?
So what was the worst that could happen?
“I might make a fool of myself.”
“People might laugh at me.”
“They might snicker and talk to their friends about me.”
“They might think I’m weird.”
Letting go of this obsession with perfection was difficult. For a socially anxious person with little self-esteem, these were major issues. After spending my life having a zero tolerance for mistakes when it came to socializing, letting go and being comfortable with partial success, and accepting mistakes, was a huge deal.
What would the consequences be? Would I make things worse? Was it possible to lose what little self-esteem I had? There was a lot to consider.
However risky it was, it was the only way out of my vicious circle. By letting go completely, I’d either go one way or the other. The experience would either allow me to get a foot in the door of a world most take for granted, or it would cause further damage to my already fragile self-esteem – setting me back months, or even years.
I decided to let go.
5 Responses to “Conversation - letting go”
That was an amazing post - do you write creatively, like poetry or short stories?
Also, do you find some people are scarier to you than others? I have that problem, and it is very hard for me to let go of that “inner voice” you mentioned telling me to guard myself from any kind of attack, be it verbal or physical.
Thank you for blogging.
Hi Katie,
No, I don’t write creatively. In fact, I’ve never really thought of myself as a good writer; but that could be more to do with my self-esteem issues than anything.
Isn’t it funny how a few kind words or a compliment can change your day? Thanks:)
Drew
(Oh, and yes, I do know what you mean when you say certain people are more intimidating than others. I also find it very difficult to let my guard down around these types)
Thank you for sharing your insights Drew… you describe this dynamic of social anxiety really well. The perfectionist trait, oh how it has plagued me! I end up being so hard on myself and everyone around me.
Trying to get the ball rolling is pretty tough I reckon… I have been trying to get myself out and about over the past six months but keep letting that fear control me, the fear of being laughed at, the fear of not pulling off interactions with 100% success each and every time. The fear that I will be negatively judged and labelled as a ‘loser’.
And then I sit here and wonder about how I would feel if someone interacted with me and they didn’t perform with flawless execution the role of social interaction…. and I know that I would be happy to experience social interaction that wasn’t perfect. But then again, I would be AWARE that they are not performing with flawless execution… and am I then judging them!? Is this fear of negative evaluation from others only an underlying dynamic which is that it is ME who negatively evaluates them and hence I expect the same? Or am I being hard on myself and trying to sidestep the core of what it is too be human… imperfect. Then I get frustrated with the whole thing and climb back into my cage. Ha ha… it’s a bizzare and frustrating cycle!
I like the way you bring in the idea of letting go and the trust thing here. For me, the trust thing is huge… perhaps if I didn’t feel like society was such a hostile place and that everyone isn’t out to judge me and that the world isn’t such a selfish place then the let go thing will happen. I can see this has to happen…. let go is good
Thanks for sharing, I really enjoy reading your blog and it gets me thinking. I’m determined to beat this social anxiety thing.
All the best and thanks again for writing about your experiences
Well said, Drew. With me, my perfectionism is born out of an incredible fear of failure that I’ve yet to overcome. I can’t take risks or do things out of my control because it increases the chance I will fail. It has affected all parts of my life, but especially social situations. I’m slowly trying to get a handle on it, but it’s not easy. Two steps forward and one back. That sort of thing.
Hope you had a merry Christmas, and best wishes for a happy and healthy new year.
Dave
Thanks Dave,
I hope you had a merry Christmas also. All the best for the New Year. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got big plans and expectations for 2008.
Drew
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