The company Christmas party - still more
As we entered the living/family room, my boss offered us a drink. He then looked at me and said the strangest thing:
“Relax Drew, we’re all friends here. You’re going to have a great time.”
Sort of an odd thing to say, but he does know how quiet I am most of the time. Maybe he saw something in my face that I didn’t think was noticeable (fear?). Anyway, my face got a little redder after that comment. I suppose people don’t mean any harm with their comments, but I tend to take things too seriously. I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. I was looking forward to a drink or two just to take the edge off.
Now, some habits are hard to break, and I had a few that just wouldn’t take no for an answer. As usual, my automatic thoughts were to get a drink and find a safe spot where I could linger throughout most of the party. Hopefully, I could find someone who didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, and start up a conversation with them.
Who was I kidding? My motives were a little less honourable than that. I needed to find someone I could talk to because I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself. If I was conversing with someone, things would appear normal. In a sense, I was using them.
The problem was that I would stay and milk every last minute I could – never mingling – never moving from that one spot - talking someone’s ear off about everything and anything – preventing them from mingling also. Some would stay out of politeness, others, with more social experience, excused themselves in a very polite manner.
I was determined to break those old habits. And though the urge to take my drink and shrink into a corner was almost overpowering, I thanked my boss for the beer, lifted my head, and looked around the room. My two friends were still with me, so the urge to “just stay put” and go for the safe thing was strong - I resisted it.
Don’t get me wrong, I really did want to hang out with these two. They were fun, and I felt at ease with them. But, I was on a mission. I would not be taking the easy way out this time.
The three of us stood around talking for a while, but I was a little distracted to be honest. I was surveying the room – trying to get a better handle on the groups of people, and how hard it would be to mingle with some of them. My heart was pounding.
After the first beer, I decided that I would make a move and I excused myself to find the washroom. When I entered the living room again, I noticed that my two friends were now talking to three other people (two men and one woman). I signalled to them that I would just be a minute, and I went to find another beer.
That would have been a perfect opportunity. I could have eased into the conversation and, because my friends were present, much of the anxiety would be gone. But, for some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to walking over there and being introduced to new people. It’s the introductions I hate the most. It’s at the moment of introduction that I feel under scrutiny and most vulnerable – and I hate that. Why? Well, because I want to make a good first impression – scratch that – a perfect impression.
So, what was the answer? Drink myself into oblivion? Find someone I could corner and bore to death? Well, none of the above, to be honest. I knew what I had to do. Sure, it would require a huge effort, but that was on my list anyway.
I entered the room again, only to find my friends gone. The group of three strangers were still there, however. I decided that a good ice-breaker would be to wonder over and ask if they knew where my friends were.
No pain, no gain. I sucked it up and went over to where they were standing. In a shaking voice (I convinced myself it wasn’t noticeable to anyone), I asked if they had seen the two people that had been standing there, and they pointed them out at the other end of the room; they were getting some food.
I don’t know what I expected, really. They didn’t seem overly friendly to me as one of the men talked, and the other two looked at me as if I had a third eye. I tried my best to smile and appear friendly, but they returned nothing but a cold expression. I sensed that they didn’t like me, but how could that be? After all, they didn’t even know me.
My face was getting redder by the minute. I thanked them, and they continued to talk amongst themselves as if I wasn’t there at all. How did my co-workers start a conversation with this group? Not only a conversation, but what appeared to be a warm, friendly conversation. Though they had nothing to say to me, they had plenty to say to my friends earlier. These people were laughing and joking as if they were old school chums. I doubt that they knew each other at all.
I walked away feeling like an alien. There really was something wrong with me – there was the proof.
One Response to “The company Christmas party - still more”
Hi Drew,
Thank you for your blog. How it brings back memories! (sigh)
Actually, you should give yourself a very big pat on the back. You actually went to the party! There have been numerous times when I was all ready, yet couldn’t bring myself to leave the house, or worse, drive all the way there and just sit in the car watching everyone go inside. What a nerd!
If I didn’t have my “safety net” there (my girlfriends) to meet me - forget about it. Or, if I happened to get separated from them (yes, I have a pack mentality), I’d panic and head straight for the bathroom to have a nice, calming panic attack - lol. This of course was always short-lived though. I mean, how long can you really retreat to the bathroom at a party…there’s always a line waiting their turn. Rats!
New Year’s Eve parties are the worst. All that hugging and kissing of strangers at midnight, especially of the opposite sex. It’s enough to make one break out into a cold sweat, and how very attractive that would be! My solution was always to lock myself into the bathroom. My girlfriends caught on though and would see me sneaking off at 5 minutes till, so they followed me so we could have a small little soiree. The problem is, people hear a small party in the bathroom and then everyone wants in and I’m claustrophobic to boot and was now stuck between 6 people and freedom! ARGH!!!
And so, my big party days (if you could call it that) are no more. Oh how I loathe parties!
It is funny. My girlfriends never caught on that I had/have SAD. I guess they just think I’m exceptionally weird. Guess they’re not too far off the mark either.
I’m very proud of you though. You did a great job! I would have never even entertained the thought of “making contact” with that group of men. Well, if I had I would have been looking at my shoes the whole time and that would look a bit odd don’t you think? That’s my natural reaction…..when spooked look at your shoes. Like no one will notice you’re weird or freaked out or anything like that. And then, after that display of foolishness, you guessed it, I’d be off on a dead sprint for the safety of the bathroom.
And so Drew, you might not have been the life of the party, but you are far more accomplished at social interaction during a very difficult time than I. You give me hope.
Thank you for sharing your story and bringing up such horribly painful memories for me. Just kidding!
Have a wonderful day/night.
Teri
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