Dating And Social Anxiety
Dating and social anxiety don’t mix. Personally speaking, my anxiety was bad enough under the best of circumstances. By introducing the element of dating, my fear grew exponentially – it was enough to turn my world completely upside-down.
I haven’t talked much about dating and social anxiety disorder here because this is one area that, honestly, seemed unachievable. Though I have had a few girlfriends in the past, I relied entirely on chance to bring it all together. I couldn’t consciously go out and make an effort to meet anyone because I knew how it would turn out.
Even today, after making some real progress with SA, I am very apprehensive to stick my neck out in the dating world. Why? Well, there is no quicker way to destroy the self-esteem and confidence that I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I truly believe that one date could set me back years in my progress.
Is it worth the risk? What’s the alternative? Well, common sense tells me that I can’t protect the progress that I’ve made – and why would I want to anyway? The whole purpose in trying to better my life was to develop skills that would help me cope with society. It doesn’t make much sense to have it and not use it.
I can also see a very lonely future unless I do something soon.
I’m now closer to 40 than 30, and I doubt that things will magically become more favourable in the future. I’m still relatively young, but the longer I wait, the worse things will get.
It’s obvious that I can’t simply wait for fate to create the ideal opportunity. If I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I need to start making an effort.
So where exactly does a shy person start in the dating world?
6 Responses to “Dating And Social Anxiety”
Hi Drew,
You write so well! Online dating services should get you in the door! Just be open about your problems and that one person for you will be there.
Good luck!
Curious to know the answer myself …
I am now closer to 40 and 30, yet my life has still not begun. All the years between being an awkward teenager and the middle aged, fat, balding guy that I am now … those years were spent sitting in a room, hiding from the world. All those things people do when they’re in their 20s and 30s: travelling, dating, falling in love, breaking up, making a mess of a things, settling down or breaking up, having a life … well, I wasn’t doing all of that. Nothing ever happened because I never did anything. I have spent years perfecting the act of the quiet guy in the back, making no noise, hiding all of my feelings. If I were to go on a date I would have nothing to talk about. I could talk about SA, depression and suicidal thoughts, I know about that. I don’t know how to behave or how to speak, skills most people pick up when they’re in their early 20s. Doors that were open have been locked; chances have come by and breezed past.
Yeah, I know you don’t need a degree to meet people. Even Adolf Hitler had a girlfriend. But after so many years in loneliness I kind of don’t know the point of a girlfriend, what could another person bring into my life? How long would another person put up with me?
And to me that is the root of SA, the inability to feel connected with people, to feel there’s a value of being with people.
Hi Drew,
I’ve tried online dating lately and it’s not bad. I didn’t date for years and years, thinking I was too ugly. But actually, I’m having some success much to my surprise.
With online dating, you do have to prepare yourself for some rejection, as you just won’t click with some that you meet. You cannot take this personally. It’s actually good practice in both rejecting and being rejected, without it’s being a huge big deal.
Why would one bad date set you back years? No way, you have more self respect than that, I can tell.
Same as you, I decided I either brave the dating scene or I’ll be alone forever. I actually find it easier meeting dates, who want to talk to me, than to go to social goup situations and be sociable. The right partner is out there for you, I bet. It’s up to you to find that person though. Cheers
I’ve been reading “A New Earth” by Eckart Tolle to try to deal with my own anxiety. Most of anxiety is about future or past worry and this book shows you how to focus on the current moment and let go of your anxiety. oprah even has Monday night web classes with Tolle to delve further into the book.
Being in your 30s, it might be something that you are ready to uncover as it is a totally different way of looking at the world. It has helped me through many anxious moments and I only read it last week.
Drew,
It appears that you’ve made good progress with SA, but it also appears that you have a few extra yards to go. As you know by now, cure for SA is all about getting back your self-confidence and self esteem and be able to position yourself positively in society. If dating is in your mind, what’s holding you back? Take a moment to self-assess and write down what your inhibitions are. Remember that nobody is perfect and nobody rational enough is looking for the perfect partner, because perfection is God’s business, as humans we can only strive for excellence. Once you’ve written down your inhibitions for dating, break it all up and analyze them piece by piece. When you do this, you are forcing your rational mind to work in your favor. Consider that can you do to address each of the elements of your inhibitions. It’s not rocket science - it just needs some focussed attention.
Also, online dating will definitely give you options, but at times too many options can be confusing. Again, you’re not looking for someone who’s perfect - a picture and a bio does only activates one of your five senses, which is a start, but not as effective as assessing someone with a few more of your senses.
Try this out - it helps
Good luck!
I’m 62 years old. Had social phobia, SA, since I was a teenager. Only over the last nearly 20 years had a bit of control when started taking benzodiazapenes. I also use alcohol as a crutch, it’s tricky juggling the two, especially as they are addictive. Came across your site this weekend, actually looking up Oxytocin as help for SA. Yes, even at my age still looking to improve my life
Cheers. All the best. Martin
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